Falling In Love

Every year before school starts, I like to make some school year resolutions. Just silly, simple things that I want to accomplish sometime during the school year. Past resolutions have included

Sleeping in a tent

Save Money

Go somewhere I have never been before

For this year, my very resolution was to fall in love. And now, now that I have had copious amounts of alone time, I was able to take a look back on this past semester and have discovered that, much to my surprise, I really truly have fallen deeply, madly in love. 

Now, please don't get your hopes up and think that I have fallen in love with a person and that I am using this blog to make such a big announcement. Woah. When you put it that way, it sounds weird. Anyways. No, sadly, I still find myself single and without any immediate chances for love. And yet, here I am, saying that I am in love. How can that be?

Here. Take my hand. I will walk you through this. 

I have fallen  in love with my job. That's right. You heard me. MY JOB. 

This past semester I have had the immense pleasure to work at a local elementary school, in the after school program. As stupid and cheesy as this might sound, I think that this has changed my life. I know know, with 100% certainty that I want to always work with kids. They make me so happy and bring such joy to my life. I have changed  my major so many times while in college. I couldn't settle on anything because I believed that while I had certain interests or skills in different areas, I was simply okay at those things, I wasn't so amazing at one thing that I had to make it my career. I have finally settled on elementary education because, well, I was running out of options and looking at being in school for forever. I wasn't sure. But I am now. I want..no, I need to be a teacher. 

My job was seriously the best. One of my coworkers described it as getting paid to play with kids for 3.5 hours every day. Looking back, I can see that he was right. Going to work became my refuge. When school up here on the hill got too stressful, when I was worried, or upset, when I couldn't handle anymore of the drama that the people around me were creating, I walked into that school, and all my problems went away, even if only for awhile. Because, for those 3.5 hours, I was free to play. I could be a kid again and I could pretend. I could run around and play tag and jump the river. I could be stupid and talk in silly accents. Kids have a way of making you look at things in a totally different perspective, and to really examine your life. They have a way of showing you what the really important things in life are. I think that sometimes as adults (and I am going to use that word to very loosely describe myself) we get so caught up in the stupid tiny things that really have no importance. At all. And yet, for some reason, we let those small insignificant things control our lives. That'e the stupidest thing ever. 

Now, I can't continue to write this post and have you think that I loved every single minute of my job. That would be the biggest lie I have ever told. There were days I absolutely hated. There were times I was tired and I didn't want to be there. There were times I wished I could sit in the corner and cry I was so stressed. And yet, those were the times that my kids were my lifesavers. The way their smiles lit up their faces when they saw me walking down the halls, the way that they ran over to hug me, the way that they simply sat beside me or asked my to play ball with them. Those were the times that made a difference. When I was having a bad day and one of my kindergartners would come up and say "Teacher, you look beautiful today", or when they drew pictures of me and told everyone that I was their best friend made the biggest difference. 

It was impossible not to fall in love. However, as I am sitting here writing this, my heart is breaking. Because of scheduling conflicts, I will not be able to return to my job next semester. I know, this sounds so stupid, like I have a billion other things to worry about, but I am going to miss my kids. I just have to look towards the future, and keep my eyes on my goal. I know that when things get hard, and I know that they will, when I am sitting on my bed questioning why I ever decided I wanted to be a teacher, I know that I will look back on the memories that I have with these kids and then I'll remember. 

I can't wait for the future!

Cracks in my Armor

I'm starting out this post with a disclaimer. This is going to be really hard for me to get down. I have a hard time showing my true feelings whenever I am upset or angry. I have a hard time letting people in because I don't want them to hurt me. I would rather people think that everything is great, and fine and dandy, rather than know that I am hurting inside. But, in the spirit of honesty, which I promised myself I would do, here you go. This is me, showing all of you my soul. Take is as you will.


We've all heard the saying "When life knocks you down, get right back up and show life what you are made of."

Or something to that effect.

Personally, I feel like I have done really good at getting back up  until this point in my life. Seriously. I have been through things that no one should ever go to, and I have always stood right back up with my fists ready to go. I like to think that I am a strong person, that I can handle a ton of bullcrap from people.

At least, I thought I was.

I won't go into any details, cause that would take all night, and I would eventually like to fall asleep at some point tonight. Anyways, this semester has proved to be one of the hardest, most trying semesters of my college career. I don't know why or what I am doing that would result in this crappy semester, all I know is that this is how it has been for me. It seemed like life knocked me down, and it knocked me down hard. I feel like no matter how hard I try to stand back up, life pushes me back down the moment I get back up on my feet. Sometimes I feel like staying on the ground because no matter what I do, I can't seem to make things right. Why bother trying when the very moment I stand back on my feet, I get slammed back down to the ground?

Now, don't get me wrong. This semester hasn't been all bad. In fact, this semester has also had some of the greatest times of my life. I have the BEST job in the whole world & I have made some of the greatest friends. And I am so so so very thankful for these things.

In institute the other day, we read a talk by Hugh B. Brown that was exactly what I needed. His talk, entitled the Currant Bush, is fantastic. If you haven't heard it, I strongly encourage you to go look it up. In it, he talks about how we sometimes do not get the things that we want, and that we get so sad and angry and cry to the Lord, asking why, why would you hurt us like this? And, at that point, the Lord answers us saying " I am the gardener. I know exactly what I am doing, and who I want you to be. Just let go, and let me help you." Hugh B. Brown then goes on to say that while that moment in time really sucks, and really hurts, we will later look back on our lives and realize that we are so much better because we didn't get what we wanted and then at that point we will fall on our knees and thank our Heavenly Father for hurting us, because He knew what we did not.

So my dear friends, this is where I am in my life right now. I am currently (figuratively of course) laying on the ground wondering if it is even worth it to try and stand up again. The good part is that, even though I can't tell you when, I will stand up again. And I know that one day, I will look back on all of this and fall to my knees thanking Heavenly Father for hurting me, because whatever he has in store for me is going to be so much better than anything that I can possibly imagine.

Whatever You Want

So, this may be a whiny post. I'm sorry. It's just something that has been on m y mind for awhile now and I feel like writing it down will help me to figure it out. If you just want to skip over this one, that's cool. I totally get it.

So, looking back on my life, I have been the type of person who avoids fights with other people. I understand that occasionally I may have done gotten into fights, but hey. I am no where near being perfect. I am simply stating that overall, I have been non confrontational. In fact, I have often heard people describe me as someone who avoids confrontation.

Awhile ago, in Sunday School, we were discussing spiritual blessings that people can be given. One that was brought up was the blessing to avoid contention, and I thought hey! That's what I have! Before I go forward, I want you to know that I am so thankful for this blessing in my life. I can see many times when it has saved me a lot of grief and heartache.

However, sometimes I think that being this way has also caused me some heartache and sorrow. Sometimes, I feel like this has been the greatest struggle in  my life. There have been many occasions, especially since I have moved up here to college, that people that I have liked or trusted, have told me things that I didn't want to hear. Not bad things, but things that hurt me because they were the complete opposite of what I wanted to have happen. And instead of standing up for my self and telling people how I really truly feel, I tried to avoid contention, avoid losing a friend or a crush, I would simply let them leave. My famous sayings include

"I don't care"

"it's up to you"

"Whatever you want is fine"

"You decide and I will understand"

Such lies. Because, you see. I do care. I care a lot. I just wish I wasn't such a big baby and tell people how I feel. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but then I end up getting my feelings hurt. A lot. I think that this is something that I am really going to work on improving in my life this year. I want to be brave and tell you how I really feel. I want to tell someone that I like them, that I think they are making a big mistake and that I think that if they give me a chance, I can totally prove to them that we could be something freaking awesome. 

I don't know. I will work on it. I will keep you posted! Fingers crossed!

Tick Tock Goes The Clock

Time is a funny thing.

Sometimes it seems like it drags on, every second lasting a lifetime. And others, it goes by so fast you can't account for hours. There are times when you wish you could stop time, and freeze yourself in a moment or a feeling. But the clock keeps ticking on. Never stopping. Never failing. One of the few constant things in this hectic and stressful world.

I always find the notion of time so interesting. This summer has seemed to flown by. But everyday, in those hours, I felt like it was dragging, like it would never end, that this fall was a lifetime away. But then, I blinked, and suddenly, here we are, in the middle of July. I always used to say that with school, during the first week or two, it seems like time is dragging on and you feel like the year will never end. Then out of the blue you are taking finals and  you are saying goodbye to precious friends and memories. Funny how that happens.

It seems like just yesterday that I have over 100 days in Visalia this summer. And now, I have just a few weeks, and I honestly have no idea where the time has gone. Wasn't it only a few days ago I flew home and realized that I had no plans, no clue what I was going to do in order to stay busy this summer, no idea what to do? Yet here I am, with weeks that I can count on one hand left.

I still have no clue what I am doing, what I am going to do, or even what my options are. But oddly enough, it doesn't bother me as much. For those of you who know me, this is a huge breakthrough. I'm a planner. I have to know what the plan is, and all the teeny tiny details. I make plans years in advance. But if I have learned anything this summer (and trust me. I have learned quite a few lessons) it's that, even if I don't have a plan, time will still move forward. The sun will continue to set at night, and then rise again in the morning, bringing a new day, a new chance with it.

Victor Hugo wrote "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." His words ring a valuable truth. No matter how awful life seems, no matter how slowly time seems to pass, it will pass. And a new and better day is ahead. Turn your face towards the future with a smile upon your lips and allow yourself to see the beauty in the small things. You may find that time passes quicker than you think. Don't waste a single precious moment. Times not stopping for anyone!

You Know You Are A Swimmer When...

I am a swimmer. 100%.

I began swimming just before my 11th birthday. And, I haven't stopped since that time. I swam on a city team until I entered high school. There I was blessed to swim on the varsity team all four years and I also picked up a new passion, water polo, which I also played all four years of high school. Throughout my high school career, I was in the pool at least 5 days a week, for 9-10 months of the year. Basically, I was in the water...a lot. The pool is my home.

It may sound strange to some people, but the pool is my safe place. I feel in control of everything when I am in the water. Sometimes, the world gets too crazy and I feel like my world is spinning out of control, but when I slip into that water, it all goes away. I can relax and focus. It's where I feel most at home and where I can get some deep thinking done.

So, all this being said, it's really no surprise that even now, when I am stressed and frustrated, the first place I run to is the pool. There is something about water that calms me. When the world gets too loud and I can't seem to figure anything out, all I need to do is go under the water, and suddenly everything becomes still and quiet.

The pool is my safe haven. There is just something magical about it. Maybe you should give it a try.

Think about it.

The Great Summer Adventure

Well, I am covered head to toe with bruises, I am suffering from a massive amount of lack of sleep, and if I never get in a car again it will be too soon.  The only thing that all of these things together can mean is that the Great Summer Adventure with Kayla and Nicole is over. What a blast it's been! For those of you who were not fortunate enough to come along or share in this great adventure, here's the lowdown.

The Great Summer Adventure began Sunday morning, with...drum roll please....Nicole getting lost! For those of you who know me, this shouldn't come as a shock to you. It's a gift really. I can get so incredibly lost it's not even funny. Anyways, I finally found my way to the airport where I picked up my wonderful room mate and very best friend in the whole wide world! We then attempted to continue south on our adventure, only to realize that Nicole had forgotten the tickets to Six Flags. So, we turned around and headed back to good old Visalia for the night. It wasn't that bad. We had a nap...got our nails did (okay, Kayla did mine) and even got to skype good old Joe.

We woke up way too early on Monday (and by early I mean like 7:45). After a quick stop at Scotties Doughnuts (which no trip to Visalia is complete without) and getting gas, we were finally off! We made it to Six Flags in record time, partly because Nicole likes to speed. It's genetic. Ask my Grandma.

Six Flags was simply amazing. We got to ride on every single ride we wanted to. It was so freaking hot. Luckily, I don't think we ever stood in line very long. We were really good at getting in line just before the huge crowd. In fact we even walked right onto a ride or two. Fun Fact, when Kayla and I are together, we become some of the funniest people you will ever meet. Some of my favorite lines from the park were
"I don't like this ride. Are we gonna go backwards together?"
"Open your eyes Nicole!" "No! I am praying. Heavenly Father, if you let me survive this ride, I promise I will never come back here!"
"I don't like the rides where you are standing up. It's uncomfortable. If I wanted to shove something between my legs, I would get married!"
"I feel bad, cause I am swinging my legs when they come to check and I can never stop,so I kick them in the shin!"
There were others I am sure, but like I mentioned before, lack of sleep is keeping me from fully remembering.

After Six Flags, we hit up Taco Bell, where Kayla practically ordered the entire menu. Lunch at the park consisted of fries and diet coke...so...we were pretty starved. Then, we got back in the car and drove to our new friends, The DeHemmers, who let us spend the night there. We did get lost a few times, but this time it was Kayla's fault. (hahaha) And I do admit I was a little scared and even locked the car doors while driving, but hey. In my defense, a dirt road in the middle of nowhere in pitch black is pretty scary. I have watched too many movies and t.v. shows. I have a very active imagination. Anyways, we finally got there, and I just have to say, these are the nicest people on this planet. I was so tired that I pretty much crashed right after getting there, but I was the first to get up. Kayla and I had planned on getting up early and getting out of their way, but we ended up staying until 12:30 talking with Sister DeHemmer and watching movies. Seriously the nicest family. I am so so grateful to them. (Shout out to Joe also, for hooking us up with them!)

After leaving, we battled the awful LA traffic and ended up (after getting lost AGAIN) at the beautiful L.A. Temple. I am so glad we were able to go. We walked around the grounds for awhile and then toured the visitors center. It was a wonderful break and a spiritual experience. (At least for me, I cannot speak for Kayla) At one point I found myself sitting alone in front of the Christus statue, and I just felt the overwhelming feeling of peace and the love that my Savior has for me. I am one lucky girl!

Finally, we checked into our hotel, which wasn't a total dive thank goodness. You never know with some of them. After resting for awhile we walked down to in-n-out for dinner. (Another thing no trip to California is complete without!) Then, it was time to get ready for the concert. We got all dolled up...aka tee shirts and jeans haha and walked down Hollywood Blvd. to the Hollywood Bowl.

The concert was supposed to be Ke$ha and Pitbull. Neither of us care for Pitbull..okay that's a lie. We hate him. So we decided that since he was supposed to go on first, we would show up late and miss him completely. That's what we thought anyways. We show up a little over an hour late and some strange band was playing, and then Pitbull came out. We were surprised, but figured he would only be on for an hour. TWO HOURS later... Pitbull was the last act. WE COMPLETELY MISSED KE$HA! She was the only one we wanted to see! Needless to say, we were pretty pissed off.

After crashing in our hotel we checked out and headed over to Denny's for brunch, where I proceeded to order a ridiculous amount of food. It was terrible. Then, we battled the traffic again, and went to the beach. Because of the awful traffic, we only got to spend half an hour at the beach, but it was so worth it. It was a beautiful day and there were surprisingly very little people actually at the beach.

Sadly, it was time for the Great Summer Adventure with Kayla and Nicole to come to an end. I am so glad Kayla got to come out and see me, I missed her so much. Plus, it was fun to go out on my own and have a little vacation. But, like every good thing, it had to come to an end, and now I can't wait for the next adventure!

Sleepy Quirks

As if having Insomnia wasn't bad enough, I have come to realize that I have some pretty strange quirks about going to sleep. And I thought I would share them with you...well...just cause. I honestly don't have anything better to do. Maybe you will read this and realize that you are not as crazy as you think.
Lets get started.
1. There can not be any light in the room when I am going to sleep. I mean it. NONE.
2. It could be 100+ degrees and I still have to have a blanket. The more the better. Ask my room mates. I have tons of blankets on my bed.
3. I am not one of those who can sleep with the blanket half on, or with one leg sticking out. Nope. I cocoon  myself into the blankets.
4. I like to have a lot of pillows on my bed. But, I only sleep with one.
5. I have to have at least three pillows. I make a backwards 7 with two of them, and then I have to have one to hold. If there are more than I pile them up and sleep next to them.
6.Speaking of pillows, mine have to be really cold.
7. I don't like noise when I am trying to sleep. Not even white noise. It wakes up my brain and I have to figure the noise out.
8. I don't like sleeping on the edge of the bed. The middle is perfect.
9.I tend to move around a lot when I sleep. I have woken up sideways in my bed a few times.
10. If my feet are cold, I will not fall asleep. This one really sucks cause my feet are always cold. In the winter, footie pjs are my best friend.


I should probably go to sleep now. ....
....
....
Wish me luck!

Giggling

I have learned a lot about myself these past few years. I have learned I have some pretty odd habits and quirks, one of which I think I will write about today.

When I get into a really stressful and scary situation, I giggle. No joke. I just don't know how to handle the pressure, so I giggle to ease the tension I guess. It's kinda embarrassing  since everyone else is really stressed or worried, but I can't help it! It just comes out!

Here are a few examples.

1. Once, when driving up Logan canyon in an awful snowstorm (which, all of you who have driven the canyon know is super sketch) every one else in the car sat there tensed and silent, while there I am in the back, giggling. I literally had to cover my mouth so they wouldn't hear me.

2. One time, I was climbing a tree and I fell out of it. I stayed on the ground for a good five minutes laughing. A very nice guy came over to see if I was okay, and I think it freaked him out that I was laughing and not crying.

3. The other day, a friend and I were driving in SF. San Francisco is known for the insane hills that you have to drive up. And we did drive up one. It was a practically vertical hill, and we drove up it in a tiny little hybrid car that almost didn't make it! And we giggled the entire time! We could have gotten in an accident, but there we were, laughing.

Don't get me wrong. I do get stressed and worried, but I can not, for some reason, produce a normal reaction. Oh well. Maybe giggling isn't so bad...

Lessons in Heights

I wouldn't say I am scared of heights. Okay. That's a lie. I am deathly afraid of heights, but only at certain times. Like if I am strapped into a roller coaster, no problem. In a huge building? I got this. But in the side of a mountain? No thank you!

I have had two experiences with heights and being afraid in my recent past, and each one has taught me a super important lesson. Although I was scared out of my mind when I learned these lessons, I don't think that Heavenly Father could have taught me these things any other way. Well, maybe He could have, but this way I remember the lessons...and I wasn't distracted with other things!

First, over Spring Break, a couple of friends and I hiked up to the wind caves. The hike up wasn't so bad, however, towards the top there was tons of snow on the path, making it slippery and pretty scary. Especially  when instead of a gentle slope down the hill, there was a steep cliff  right there. Needless to say, I was terrified to walk down. One of my friends happened to have a backpack on, so we tied the strings on it into a loop, and I held onto that, like a leash. Because I was scared out of my mind, I looked at the ground the entire time. I never looked up, so I had no idea what was coming next. I had to trust my friend to guide me, to know that she would not lead me off a cliff, and since she could see what was coming, when to go off the trail in order to avoid the really bad places.

I am a planner. I like to know the plan, know exactly what is going to happen next and when. If I don't know the plan, I get really stressed out. I also like to make plans, and I get really frustrated when things don't happen exactly how I want them to. I can be pretty stubborn and get stuck in my ways. It's a family trait.

However, this experience has taught me that, I don't always need to know the whole plan. That I don't always need to be in charge. And that sometimes, the minor details are not even that important. This was one of the most spiritual experiences that I have ever had. When we finally got down to the car, I just had this overwhelming feeling that my Savior was talking to me, telling me that I need to trust him. He knows the plan exactly and he will help me along the way, if only I will trust him. He isn't going to lead me off a cliff, instead, he will help guide me to the easier ways. I just need to understand that although I can't see the whole plan right now, everything will be okay, and He knows what He is doing.


More recently, a friend invited me to go explore an abandoned mine. I am always up for an adventure, so I agreed. After about an hour hike, my friend stopped and told the group that we were there. Looking around, all I could see was a river on one side, and a huge steep mountain on the other. Guess which side we had to go on to  get there....

If you guessed the mountain, you are correct! Sorry, I don't have a prize for you though. Just bask in the glory of your smartness. Anyways, to get to the mine, we had to climb, on all fours mid you, up the side of this mountain. And to make matters worse, it wasn't an easy grassy climb. Nope. It was loose rocks, so you would take one step and slip backwards. Not really fun.

And, as you can guess, I was terrified. My room mate stayed behind to help me after everyone else scrambled up the side of the mountain like it was nothing. She would go up ahead of me and then wait and call down to me, telling me that I could do it. Well, soon the wind picked up and I started to freak out. The friend who invited us to come started his way down to help me, and I lost it. I started crying, because although I am very scared of heights, I don't like to let people know it and I wanted to prove to them and myself that I could do it. (Again with the stubbornness)  When he came down to help, I felt like a failure.

Finally we made it to the top and began the walk into the mine. I was in the back with one of my very best guy friends and he had to hold my hand because I was so scared. Another thing I am terrified of is the dark. I watch too much scary tv and movies. At one point we all stopped and my friend, who could tell I was too scared to keep going (because I was literally shaking) suggested we turn around. So he and I made our way back to the entrance of the cave, where I again began to cry, because I felt like I had ruined the trip for him, and that I was acting like a baby. I do not like to cry in front of people. I look terrible when I cry. And I  know you are probably thinking that no one looks good when they cry, which may be right, but I look AWFUL. Ask anyone I have cried in front of. It's almost scary.

Finally, everyone else came back and we said a prayer before we, you guessed it, climbed back down the mountain the way we came up. Once again, I was sobbing. Everyone else could slide just fine on their butts down, but I was way to scared to go alone, like the baby that I am. So, I literally sat on the lap of another friend as she slid us down to the bottom. And, I cried the entire way down.

Let's just say I felt really stupid when we finally got back onto solid ground. This experience did teach me a few different things though. First, sometimes, life is really hard. Even though you are trying so hard and working with all your might, you slip down to where you were before. And that's okay. As long as you pick yourself right back up and try again. Another thing I learned is that there are many people placed in your life who are willing and want to help you. As stubborn as I am, this was the way that Heavenly Father taught me that I can't do everything on my own. That is a hard thing for me. I don't like to ask people for help, but He has placed so many people in my life who will help me. And it is perfectly okay to admit that you are scared and ask for help. The last thing that this experience has taught me is that sometimes, life is scary and hard, but if you keep going, when you finally get to the top, and you turn around and look back, you will be amazed at not only the beauty at the top, but also at how much you have accomplished. When I finally made it to the top, I took a second to turn around and take in the beauty of the earth around me. Sure the hike had been pretty so far, but nothing could compare to the beauty I saw from the top of the mountain. If I had not climbed up, I would never have seen it. And, even though I was scared out of my mind about having to go back down, I was able to look down the mountain and know that I had climbed up. It may not have been all by myself and I may have cried the whole way up, but I did it. I did it. I didn't give up and wait for everyone at the bottom. And I am so glad I didn't.

Tired Silly Nicole

This week is dead week. For those of you who have forgotten or have not been to college yet, this is the week where teachers are not allowed to give you tests (although some still do, how rude) because you are supposed to be studying for your finals, which are..eeeeek next week! This is the week many college kids turn into zombies. The library stays open later, and we tend to pull all nighters cramming  The lack of sleep is very apparent.

I have been known, on occasion, to stay up super super late. Lack of sleep really brings out the best in me. I can get pretty strange when I haven't slept in a long time. Really weird. Here are some examples.

1. Once, I stayed up for 48 hours straight and chugged a 2 gallon jug of Sunny D. Then I fell asleep on the couch clutching said bottle.

2. One time my friend woke me up at 5 am, and I punched her.

3. I once told a very cute guy that my day would dramatically improve if he would kindly go to hell. I then simply walked away. I have no idea who he is.

4. Once, I told my room mates boyfriend that I was in a really dark place because I had just been abducted by aliens. That was a good night.

5. I once fell asleep on a friends couch, and woke up 2 hours later with his room mate sleeping next to me. I then fell off the couch and cried because I didn't know where I was.

6. I also fell asleep on a friend couch while watching a movie and when he woke me up and told me to go to my bed, I got really mad at him because I though I was in my bed.

7. The other night I sang the three little pigs to someone. Not just told them the story. Sang it to them. I also tried to convince them that I was holding the big bad wolf hostage in my closet.

8. I recently told someone that they were fun to snuggle with and I was fun to snuggle with and that that was a really nice thing to tell someone. I also told them that you need to quote 'be happy. I'm gonna buy a flower and he will be so happy. But, watch out for bees. They hurt.' end quote.

9. Once, I fell asleep kneeling on the floor with my head on the couch. As an adult.

10. I once dropped a roll of tape on the floor and watched it roll and spin around. I thought it was the  funniest thing ever. It wasn't.

If you didn't read the beginning of this post, you would probably think that I get drunk a lot. Not the case my friends. I just never sleep.

I should probably be studying right now. Fetch.

Meanie Head

I'm not a mean person. I'm really not. Its not me. I don't think that anyone ever deserves to be treated mean or rudely. Even if they are mean to you. You never know what is making people act the way that they are.

I also try really hard to be a forgiving person. I feel like I am pretty successful at this. I generally forgive people pretty quickly, even if they never apologize to me. I want people to forgive me for any wrongs that I do, and I feel like if I can't forgive others then I don't deserve forgiveness for others. Its a work in progress, but I am getting better every day, and I am happier because of this.

This being said, last night I was purposefully mean to someone. I thought that being mean and cold to this person would make me feel better. I thought I wanted to be rude because somehow it would help me.

As you can tell, it didn't help. Not in the tiniest little bit. In fact, it made me feel even worse. I felt so terrible. Looking back, I don't even recognize the person who did that. I have no idea why I thought it would be okay for me to act in such a childish way. It wasn't me at all.

Thankfully, I was able to say sorry and ask forgiveness.

I have since resolved to work on being nicer to EVERYONE. And I really do mean everyone. Even the ones who are rude to me. It feels so good to be Nice Nicole again. I don't like being mean Nicole and I hope that she never comes out again.

Excuse me for a minute

I try not to judge people. I don't know your whole life or why you make the decisions you do. Although I may not agree with or even like the choices you make or the things you do, I won't judge you. It's your life. Live it how you feel right. I don't really care. However, the second that your poor decisions effect me in any negative way, we have a serious problem.

This has just been something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I am not writing this to bash anyone or to get mad at anyone, it's just something I feel like I need to get off my mind so it can stop bugging me.

I HATE hypocrites and liars. I am not saying that I am perfect in any way shape or form. I am sure that I have been guilty of this a time or two. But I always try to make a conscience effort not to be either of those. But when people are blatantly hypocritical in front of me or lie straight to my face, I have a problem with staying your friend.

If you tell me you don't like a person because he/she acts a certain way, please make sure you DO NOT act the exact same way. Especially in front of me, and definitely not to me. I see exactly what you are doing and not only is it frustrating, but it is rude and hurts.

If you give me reasons to not hang out with me, or anything like that, make sure they are true. Don't tell me things you think I want to hear and then go do exactly the opposite of what you told me. I will find out. And then I will be 1000000000 times more angry than if you had just told me the truth. I'm a very strong person. I can handle bad news. I'm not gonna die. Just tell me the truth. That's all I ask.


Okay. Enough negativity for today. It's finally a beautiful day, and I intend to enjoy this day. And after writing this, I already feel better.

:)

You May Know My Name, But You Do Not Know My Story

I am not a writer. I will not pretend to be. But, I believe that everyone has a story to tell. .That's what I started this blog for. To tell my story. And also, it will give me something to do when I can't sleep at night.

Like I said, I firmly believe that everyone has a story to tell. If only we as a society would take the time to actually stop and listen. I think that we would understand each other better. It would help us to understand why people act the way they do, why they react to things the way that they do and why they get excited about the things that they enjoy.

To those who know me, if you only take but a second ti listen and understand my story, I think you would be surprised at what you would learn. I think that many of you will be surprised how different of a person that I actually am then what you think you know about me.  If you don't know who I am, and somehow stumbled upon this blog, get ready for the adventure of getting to know me.

I only have one rule. Do not judge me until you have heard my entire story. Right now some of you have parts and pieces of the story, but those are only the small glimpses I have allowed you to see. However, I am  excited to show you the real me. Not just pieces anymore, but the complete story.


This is me. 
This is my story.
 Like it or not, it is mine and I own it.