Cracks in my Armor

I'm starting out this post with a disclaimer. This is going to be really hard for me to get down. I have a hard time showing my true feelings whenever I am upset or angry. I have a hard time letting people in because I don't want them to hurt me. I would rather people think that everything is great, and fine and dandy, rather than know that I am hurting inside. But, in the spirit of honesty, which I promised myself I would do, here you go. This is me, showing all of you my soul. Take is as you will.


We've all heard the saying "When life knocks you down, get right back up and show life what you are made of."

Or something to that effect.

Personally, I feel like I have done really good at getting back up  until this point in my life. Seriously. I have been through things that no one should ever go to, and I have always stood right back up with my fists ready to go. I like to think that I am a strong person, that I can handle a ton of bullcrap from people.

At least, I thought I was.

I won't go into any details, cause that would take all night, and I would eventually like to fall asleep at some point tonight. Anyways, this semester has proved to be one of the hardest, most trying semesters of my college career. I don't know why or what I am doing that would result in this crappy semester, all I know is that this is how it has been for me. It seemed like life knocked me down, and it knocked me down hard. I feel like no matter how hard I try to stand back up, life pushes me back down the moment I get back up on my feet. Sometimes I feel like staying on the ground because no matter what I do, I can't seem to make things right. Why bother trying when the very moment I stand back on my feet, I get slammed back down to the ground?

Now, don't get me wrong. This semester hasn't been all bad. In fact, this semester has also had some of the greatest times of my life. I have the BEST job in the whole world & I have made some of the greatest friends. And I am so so so very thankful for these things.

In institute the other day, we read a talk by Hugh B. Brown that was exactly what I needed. His talk, entitled the Currant Bush, is fantastic. If you haven't heard it, I strongly encourage you to go look it up. In it, he talks about how we sometimes do not get the things that we want, and that we get so sad and angry and cry to the Lord, asking why, why would you hurt us like this? And, at that point, the Lord answers us saying " I am the gardener. I know exactly what I am doing, and who I want you to be. Just let go, and let me help you." Hugh B. Brown then goes on to say that while that moment in time really sucks, and really hurts, we will later look back on our lives and realize that we are so much better because we didn't get what we wanted and then at that point we will fall on our knees and thank our Heavenly Father for hurting us, because He knew what we did not.

So my dear friends, this is where I am in my life right now. I am currently (figuratively of course) laying on the ground wondering if it is even worth it to try and stand up again. The good part is that, even though I can't tell you when, I will stand up again. And I know that one day, I will look back on all of this and fall to my knees thanking Heavenly Father for hurting me, because whatever he has in store for me is going to be so much better than anything that I can possibly imagine.