Whatever You Want

So, this may be a whiny post. I'm sorry. It's just something that has been on m y mind for awhile now and I feel like writing it down will help me to figure it out. If you just want to skip over this one, that's cool. I totally get it.

So, looking back on my life, I have been the type of person who avoids fights with other people. I understand that occasionally I may have done gotten into fights, but hey. I am no where near being perfect. I am simply stating that overall, I have been non confrontational. In fact, I have often heard people describe me as someone who avoids confrontation.

Awhile ago, in Sunday School, we were discussing spiritual blessings that people can be given. One that was brought up was the blessing to avoid contention, and I thought hey! That's what I have! Before I go forward, I want you to know that I am so thankful for this blessing in my life. I can see many times when it has saved me a lot of grief and heartache.

However, sometimes I think that being this way has also caused me some heartache and sorrow. Sometimes, I feel like this has been the greatest struggle in  my life. There have been many occasions, especially since I have moved up here to college, that people that I have liked or trusted, have told me things that I didn't want to hear. Not bad things, but things that hurt me because they were the complete opposite of what I wanted to have happen. And instead of standing up for my self and telling people how I really truly feel, I tried to avoid contention, avoid losing a friend or a crush, I would simply let them leave. My famous sayings include

"I don't care"

"it's up to you"

"Whatever you want is fine"

"You decide and I will understand"

Such lies. Because, you see. I do care. I care a lot. I just wish I wasn't such a big baby and tell people how I feel. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but then I end up getting my feelings hurt. A lot. I think that this is something that I am really going to work on improving in my life this year. I want to be brave and tell you how I really feel. I want to tell someone that I like them, that I think they are making a big mistake and that I think that if they give me a chance, I can totally prove to them that we could be something freaking awesome. 

I don't know. I will work on it. I will keep you posted! Fingers crossed!