I wouldn't say I am scared of heights. Okay. That's a lie. I am deathly afraid of heights, but only at certain times. Like if I am strapped into a roller coaster, no problem. In a huge building? I got this. But in the side of a mountain? No thank you!
I have had two experiences with heights and being afraid in my recent past, and each one has taught me a super important lesson. Although I was scared out of my mind when I learned these lessons, I don't think that Heavenly Father could have taught me these things any other way. Well, maybe He could have, but this way I remember the lessons...and I wasn't distracted with other things!
First, over Spring Break, a couple of friends and I hiked up to the wind caves. The hike up wasn't so bad, however, towards the top there was tons of snow on the path, making it slippery and pretty scary. Especially when instead of a gentle slope down the hill, there was a steep cliff right there. Needless to say, I was terrified to walk down. One of my friends happened to have a backpack on, so we tied the strings on it into a loop, and I held onto that, like a leash. Because I was scared out of my mind, I looked at the ground the entire time. I never looked up, so I had no idea what was coming next. I had to trust my friend to guide me, to know that she would not lead me off a cliff, and since she could see what was coming, when to go off the trail in order to avoid the really bad places.
I am a planner. I like to know the plan, know exactly what is going to happen next and when. If I don't know the plan, I get really stressed out. I also like to make plans, and I get really frustrated when things don't happen exactly how I want them to. I can be pretty stubborn and get stuck in my ways. It's a family trait.
However, this experience has taught me that, I don't always need to know the whole plan. That I don't always need to be in charge. And that sometimes, the minor details are not even that important. This was one of the most spiritual experiences that I have ever had. When we finally got down to the car, I just had this overwhelming feeling that my Savior was talking to me, telling me that I need to trust him. He knows the plan exactly and he will help me along the way, if only I will trust him. He isn't going to lead me off a cliff, instead, he will help guide me to the easier ways. I just need to understand that although I can't see the whole plan right now, everything will be okay, and He knows what He is doing.
More recently, a friend invited me to go explore an abandoned mine. I am always up for an adventure, so I agreed. After about an hour hike, my friend stopped and told the group that we were there. Looking around, all I could see was a river on one side, and a huge steep mountain on the other. Guess which side we had to go on to get there....
If you guessed the mountain, you are correct! Sorry, I don't have a prize for you though. Just bask in the glory of your smartness. Anyways, to get to the mine, we had to climb, on all fours mid you, up the side of this mountain. And to make matters worse, it wasn't an easy grassy climb. Nope. It was loose rocks, so you would take one step and slip backwards. Not really fun.
And, as you can guess, I was terrified. My room mate stayed behind to help me after everyone else scrambled up the side of the mountain like it was nothing. She would go up ahead of me and then wait and call down to me, telling me that I could do it. Well, soon the wind picked up and I started to freak out. The friend who invited us to come started his way down to help me, and I lost it. I started crying, because although I am very scared of heights, I don't like to let people know it and I wanted to prove to them and myself that I could do it. (Again with the stubbornness) When he came down to help, I felt like a failure.
Finally we made it to the top and began the walk into the mine. I was in the back with one of my very best guy friends and he had to hold my hand because I was so scared. Another thing I am terrified of is the dark. I watch too much scary tv and movies. At one point we all stopped and my friend, who could tell I was too scared to keep going (because I was literally shaking) suggested we turn around. So he and I made our way back to the entrance of the cave, where I again began to cry, because I felt like I had ruined the trip for him, and that I was acting like a baby. I do not like to cry in front of people. I look terrible when I cry. And I know you are probably thinking that no one looks good when they cry, which may be right, but I look AWFUL. Ask anyone I have cried in front of. It's almost scary.
Finally, everyone else came back and we said a prayer before we, you guessed it, climbed back down the mountain the way we came up. Once again, I was sobbing. Everyone else could slide just fine on their butts down, but I was way to scared to go alone, like the baby that I am. So, I literally sat on the lap of another friend as she slid us down to the bottom. And, I cried the entire way down.
Let's just say I felt really stupid when we finally got back onto solid ground. This experience did teach me a few different things though. First, sometimes, life is really hard. Even though you are trying so hard and working with all your might, you slip down to where you were before. And that's okay. As long as you pick yourself right back up and try again. Another thing I learned is that there are many people placed in your life who are willing and want to help you. As stubborn as I am, this was the way that Heavenly Father taught me that I can't do everything on my own. That is a hard thing for me. I don't like to ask people for help, but He has placed so many people in my life who will help me. And it is perfectly okay to admit that you are scared and ask for help. The last thing that this experience has taught me is that sometimes, life is scary and hard, but if you keep going, when you finally get to the top, and you turn around and look back, you will be amazed at not only the beauty at the top, but also at how much you have accomplished. When I finally made it to the top, I took a second to turn around and take in the beauty of the earth around me. Sure the hike had been pretty so far, but nothing could compare to the beauty I saw from the top of the mountain. If I had not climbed up, I would never have seen it. And, even though I was scared out of my mind about having to go back down, I was able to look down the mountain and know that I had climbed up. It may not have been all by myself and I may have cried the whole way up, but I did it. I did it. I didn't give up and wait for everyone at the bottom. And I am so glad I didn't.
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