Lessons in Heights

I wouldn't say I am scared of heights. Okay. That's a lie. I am deathly afraid of heights, but only at certain times. Like if I am strapped into a roller coaster, no problem. In a huge building? I got this. But in the side of a mountain? No thank you!

I have had two experiences with heights and being afraid in my recent past, and each one has taught me a super important lesson. Although I was scared out of my mind when I learned these lessons, I don't think that Heavenly Father could have taught me these things any other way. Well, maybe He could have, but this way I remember the lessons...and I wasn't distracted with other things!

First, over Spring Break, a couple of friends and I hiked up to the wind caves. The hike up wasn't so bad, however, towards the top there was tons of snow on the path, making it slippery and pretty scary. Especially  when instead of a gentle slope down the hill, there was a steep cliff  right there. Needless to say, I was terrified to walk down. One of my friends happened to have a backpack on, so we tied the strings on it into a loop, and I held onto that, like a leash. Because I was scared out of my mind, I looked at the ground the entire time. I never looked up, so I had no idea what was coming next. I had to trust my friend to guide me, to know that she would not lead me off a cliff, and since she could see what was coming, when to go off the trail in order to avoid the really bad places.

I am a planner. I like to know the plan, know exactly what is going to happen next and when. If I don't know the plan, I get really stressed out. I also like to make plans, and I get really frustrated when things don't happen exactly how I want them to. I can be pretty stubborn and get stuck in my ways. It's a family trait.

However, this experience has taught me that, I don't always need to know the whole plan. That I don't always need to be in charge. And that sometimes, the minor details are not even that important. This was one of the most spiritual experiences that I have ever had. When we finally got down to the car, I just had this overwhelming feeling that my Savior was talking to me, telling me that I need to trust him. He knows the plan exactly and he will help me along the way, if only I will trust him. He isn't going to lead me off a cliff, instead, he will help guide me to the easier ways. I just need to understand that although I can't see the whole plan right now, everything will be okay, and He knows what He is doing.


More recently, a friend invited me to go explore an abandoned mine. I am always up for an adventure, so I agreed. After about an hour hike, my friend stopped and told the group that we were there. Looking around, all I could see was a river on one side, and a huge steep mountain on the other. Guess which side we had to go on to  get there....

If you guessed the mountain, you are correct! Sorry, I don't have a prize for you though. Just bask in the glory of your smartness. Anyways, to get to the mine, we had to climb, on all fours mid you, up the side of this mountain. And to make matters worse, it wasn't an easy grassy climb. Nope. It was loose rocks, so you would take one step and slip backwards. Not really fun.

And, as you can guess, I was terrified. My room mate stayed behind to help me after everyone else scrambled up the side of the mountain like it was nothing. She would go up ahead of me and then wait and call down to me, telling me that I could do it. Well, soon the wind picked up and I started to freak out. The friend who invited us to come started his way down to help me, and I lost it. I started crying, because although I am very scared of heights, I don't like to let people know it and I wanted to prove to them and myself that I could do it. (Again with the stubbornness)  When he came down to help, I felt like a failure.

Finally we made it to the top and began the walk into the mine. I was in the back with one of my very best guy friends and he had to hold my hand because I was so scared. Another thing I am terrified of is the dark. I watch too much scary tv and movies. At one point we all stopped and my friend, who could tell I was too scared to keep going (because I was literally shaking) suggested we turn around. So he and I made our way back to the entrance of the cave, where I again began to cry, because I felt like I had ruined the trip for him, and that I was acting like a baby. I do not like to cry in front of people. I look terrible when I cry. And I  know you are probably thinking that no one looks good when they cry, which may be right, but I look AWFUL. Ask anyone I have cried in front of. It's almost scary.

Finally, everyone else came back and we said a prayer before we, you guessed it, climbed back down the mountain the way we came up. Once again, I was sobbing. Everyone else could slide just fine on their butts down, but I was way to scared to go alone, like the baby that I am. So, I literally sat on the lap of another friend as she slid us down to the bottom. And, I cried the entire way down.

Let's just say I felt really stupid when we finally got back onto solid ground. This experience did teach me a few different things though. First, sometimes, life is really hard. Even though you are trying so hard and working with all your might, you slip down to where you were before. And that's okay. As long as you pick yourself right back up and try again. Another thing I learned is that there are many people placed in your life who are willing and want to help you. As stubborn as I am, this was the way that Heavenly Father taught me that I can't do everything on my own. That is a hard thing for me. I don't like to ask people for help, but He has placed so many people in my life who will help me. And it is perfectly okay to admit that you are scared and ask for help. The last thing that this experience has taught me is that sometimes, life is scary and hard, but if you keep going, when you finally get to the top, and you turn around and look back, you will be amazed at not only the beauty at the top, but also at how much you have accomplished. When I finally made it to the top, I took a second to turn around and take in the beauty of the earth around me. Sure the hike had been pretty so far, but nothing could compare to the beauty I saw from the top of the mountain. If I had not climbed up, I would never have seen it. And, even though I was scared out of my mind about having to go back down, I was able to look down the mountain and know that I had climbed up. It may not have been all by myself and I may have cried the whole way up, but I did it. I did it. I didn't give up and wait for everyone at the bottom. And I am so glad I didn't.

Tired Silly Nicole

This week is dead week. For those of you who have forgotten or have not been to college yet, this is the week where teachers are not allowed to give you tests (although some still do, how rude) because you are supposed to be studying for your finals, which are..eeeeek next week! This is the week many college kids turn into zombies. The library stays open later, and we tend to pull all nighters cramming  The lack of sleep is very apparent.

I have been known, on occasion, to stay up super super late. Lack of sleep really brings out the best in me. I can get pretty strange when I haven't slept in a long time. Really weird. Here are some examples.

1. Once, I stayed up for 48 hours straight and chugged a 2 gallon jug of Sunny D. Then I fell asleep on the couch clutching said bottle.

2. One time my friend woke me up at 5 am, and I punched her.

3. I once told a very cute guy that my day would dramatically improve if he would kindly go to hell. I then simply walked away. I have no idea who he is.

4. Once, I told my room mates boyfriend that I was in a really dark place because I had just been abducted by aliens. That was a good night.

5. I once fell asleep on a friends couch, and woke up 2 hours later with his room mate sleeping next to me. I then fell off the couch and cried because I didn't know where I was.

6. I also fell asleep on a friend couch while watching a movie and when he woke me up and told me to go to my bed, I got really mad at him because I though I was in my bed.

7. The other night I sang the three little pigs to someone. Not just told them the story. Sang it to them. I also tried to convince them that I was holding the big bad wolf hostage in my closet.

8. I recently told someone that they were fun to snuggle with and I was fun to snuggle with and that that was a really nice thing to tell someone. I also told them that you need to quote 'be happy. I'm gonna buy a flower and he will be so happy. But, watch out for bees. They hurt.' end quote.

9. Once, I fell asleep kneeling on the floor with my head on the couch. As an adult.

10. I once dropped a roll of tape on the floor and watched it roll and spin around. I thought it was the  funniest thing ever. It wasn't.

If you didn't read the beginning of this post, you would probably think that I get drunk a lot. Not the case my friends. I just never sleep.

I should probably be studying right now. Fetch.

Meanie Head

I'm not a mean person. I'm really not. Its not me. I don't think that anyone ever deserves to be treated mean or rudely. Even if they are mean to you. You never know what is making people act the way that they are.

I also try really hard to be a forgiving person. I feel like I am pretty successful at this. I generally forgive people pretty quickly, even if they never apologize to me. I want people to forgive me for any wrongs that I do, and I feel like if I can't forgive others then I don't deserve forgiveness for others. Its a work in progress, but I am getting better every day, and I am happier because of this.

This being said, last night I was purposefully mean to someone. I thought that being mean and cold to this person would make me feel better. I thought I wanted to be rude because somehow it would help me.

As you can tell, it didn't help. Not in the tiniest little bit. In fact, it made me feel even worse. I felt so terrible. Looking back, I don't even recognize the person who did that. I have no idea why I thought it would be okay for me to act in such a childish way. It wasn't me at all.

Thankfully, I was able to say sorry and ask forgiveness.

I have since resolved to work on being nicer to EVERYONE. And I really do mean everyone. Even the ones who are rude to me. It feels so good to be Nice Nicole again. I don't like being mean Nicole and I hope that she never comes out again.

Excuse me for a minute

I try not to judge people. I don't know your whole life or why you make the decisions you do. Although I may not agree with or even like the choices you make or the things you do, I won't judge you. It's your life. Live it how you feel right. I don't really care. However, the second that your poor decisions effect me in any negative way, we have a serious problem.

This has just been something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I am not writing this to bash anyone or to get mad at anyone, it's just something I feel like I need to get off my mind so it can stop bugging me.

I HATE hypocrites and liars. I am not saying that I am perfect in any way shape or form. I am sure that I have been guilty of this a time or two. But I always try to make a conscience effort not to be either of those. But when people are blatantly hypocritical in front of me or lie straight to my face, I have a problem with staying your friend.

If you tell me you don't like a person because he/she acts a certain way, please make sure you DO NOT act the exact same way. Especially in front of me, and definitely not to me. I see exactly what you are doing and not only is it frustrating, but it is rude and hurts.

If you give me reasons to not hang out with me, or anything like that, make sure they are true. Don't tell me things you think I want to hear and then go do exactly the opposite of what you told me. I will find out. And then I will be 1000000000 times more angry than if you had just told me the truth. I'm a very strong person. I can handle bad news. I'm not gonna die. Just tell me the truth. That's all I ask.


Okay. Enough negativity for today. It's finally a beautiful day, and I intend to enjoy this day. And after writing this, I already feel better.

:)

You May Know My Name, But You Do Not Know My Story

I am not a writer. I will not pretend to be. But, I believe that everyone has a story to tell. .That's what I started this blog for. To tell my story. And also, it will give me something to do when I can't sleep at night.

Like I said, I firmly believe that everyone has a story to tell. If only we as a society would take the time to actually stop and listen. I think that we would understand each other better. It would help us to understand why people act the way they do, why they react to things the way that they do and why they get excited about the things that they enjoy.

To those who know me, if you only take but a second ti listen and understand my story, I think you would be surprised at what you would learn. I think that many of you will be surprised how different of a person that I actually am then what you think you know about me.  If you don't know who I am, and somehow stumbled upon this blog, get ready for the adventure of getting to know me.

I only have one rule. Do not judge me until you have heard my entire story. Right now some of you have parts and pieces of the story, but those are only the small glimpses I have allowed you to see. However, I am  excited to show you the real me. Not just pieces anymore, but the complete story.


This is me. 
This is my story.
 Like it or not, it is mine and I own it.