Falling In Love

Every year before school starts, I like to make some school year resolutions. Just silly, simple things that I want to accomplish sometime during the school year. Past resolutions have included

Sleeping in a tent

Save Money

Go somewhere I have never been before

For this year, my very resolution was to fall in love. And now, now that I have had copious amounts of alone time, I was able to take a look back on this past semester and have discovered that, much to my surprise, I really truly have fallen deeply, madly in love. 

Now, please don't get your hopes up and think that I have fallen in love with a person and that I am using this blog to make such a big announcement. Woah. When you put it that way, it sounds weird. Anyways. No, sadly, I still find myself single and without any immediate chances for love. And yet, here I am, saying that I am in love. How can that be?

Here. Take my hand. I will walk you through this. 

I have fallen  in love with my job. That's right. You heard me. MY JOB. 

This past semester I have had the immense pleasure to work at a local elementary school, in the after school program. As stupid and cheesy as this might sound, I think that this has changed my life. I know know, with 100% certainty that I want to always work with kids. They make me so happy and bring such joy to my life. I have changed  my major so many times while in college. I couldn't settle on anything because I believed that while I had certain interests or skills in different areas, I was simply okay at those things, I wasn't so amazing at one thing that I had to make it my career. I have finally settled on elementary education because, well, I was running out of options and looking at being in school for forever. I wasn't sure. But I am now. I want..no, I need to be a teacher. 

My job was seriously the best. One of my coworkers described it as getting paid to play with kids for 3.5 hours every day. Looking back, I can see that he was right. Going to work became my refuge. When school up here on the hill got too stressful, when I was worried, or upset, when I couldn't handle anymore of the drama that the people around me were creating, I walked into that school, and all my problems went away, even if only for awhile. Because, for those 3.5 hours, I was free to play. I could be a kid again and I could pretend. I could run around and play tag and jump the river. I could be stupid and talk in silly accents. Kids have a way of making you look at things in a totally different perspective, and to really examine your life. They have a way of showing you what the really important things in life are. I think that sometimes as adults (and I am going to use that word to very loosely describe myself) we get so caught up in the stupid tiny things that really have no importance. At all. And yet, for some reason, we let those small insignificant things control our lives. That'e the stupidest thing ever. 

Now, I can't continue to write this post and have you think that I loved every single minute of my job. That would be the biggest lie I have ever told. There were days I absolutely hated. There were times I was tired and I didn't want to be there. There were times I wished I could sit in the corner and cry I was so stressed. And yet, those were the times that my kids were my lifesavers. The way their smiles lit up their faces when they saw me walking down the halls, the way that they ran over to hug me, the way that they simply sat beside me or asked my to play ball with them. Those were the times that made a difference. When I was having a bad day and one of my kindergartners would come up and say "Teacher, you look beautiful today", or when they drew pictures of me and told everyone that I was their best friend made the biggest difference. 

It was impossible not to fall in love. However, as I am sitting here writing this, my heart is breaking. Because of scheduling conflicts, I will not be able to return to my job next semester. I know, this sounds so stupid, like I have a billion other things to worry about, but I am going to miss my kids. I just have to look towards the future, and keep my eyes on my goal. I know that when things get hard, and I know that they will, when I am sitting on my bed questioning why I ever decided I wanted to be a teacher, I know that I will look back on the memories that I have with these kids and then I'll remember. 

I can't wait for the future!

Cracks in my Armor

I'm starting out this post with a disclaimer. This is going to be really hard for me to get down. I have a hard time showing my true feelings whenever I am upset or angry. I have a hard time letting people in because I don't want them to hurt me. I would rather people think that everything is great, and fine and dandy, rather than know that I am hurting inside. But, in the spirit of honesty, which I promised myself I would do, here you go. This is me, showing all of you my soul. Take is as you will.


We've all heard the saying "When life knocks you down, get right back up and show life what you are made of."

Or something to that effect.

Personally, I feel like I have done really good at getting back up  until this point in my life. Seriously. I have been through things that no one should ever go to, and I have always stood right back up with my fists ready to go. I like to think that I am a strong person, that I can handle a ton of bullcrap from people.

At least, I thought I was.

I won't go into any details, cause that would take all night, and I would eventually like to fall asleep at some point tonight. Anyways, this semester has proved to be one of the hardest, most trying semesters of my college career. I don't know why or what I am doing that would result in this crappy semester, all I know is that this is how it has been for me. It seemed like life knocked me down, and it knocked me down hard. I feel like no matter how hard I try to stand back up, life pushes me back down the moment I get back up on my feet. Sometimes I feel like staying on the ground because no matter what I do, I can't seem to make things right. Why bother trying when the very moment I stand back on my feet, I get slammed back down to the ground?

Now, don't get me wrong. This semester hasn't been all bad. In fact, this semester has also had some of the greatest times of my life. I have the BEST job in the whole world & I have made some of the greatest friends. And I am so so so very thankful for these things.

In institute the other day, we read a talk by Hugh B. Brown that was exactly what I needed. His talk, entitled the Currant Bush, is fantastic. If you haven't heard it, I strongly encourage you to go look it up. In it, he talks about how we sometimes do not get the things that we want, and that we get so sad and angry and cry to the Lord, asking why, why would you hurt us like this? And, at that point, the Lord answers us saying " I am the gardener. I know exactly what I am doing, and who I want you to be. Just let go, and let me help you." Hugh B. Brown then goes on to say that while that moment in time really sucks, and really hurts, we will later look back on our lives and realize that we are so much better because we didn't get what we wanted and then at that point we will fall on our knees and thank our Heavenly Father for hurting us, because He knew what we did not.

So my dear friends, this is where I am in my life right now. I am currently (figuratively of course) laying on the ground wondering if it is even worth it to try and stand up again. The good part is that, even though I can't tell you when, I will stand up again. And I know that one day, I will look back on all of this and fall to my knees thanking Heavenly Father for hurting me, because whatever he has in store for me is going to be so much better than anything that I can possibly imagine.