I, Pencil

Man. I wish that I actually had time to write this post awhile ago. I have actually had this one planned for ages, it just seems that NOW is the first time that I actually have the time to sit down and write it out.

So, let’s begin.

A while ago now, for FHE in my singles ward here on campus, we had a mini MTC (missionary training center). TO be completely honest, I wasn’t really excited to go, I am not planning on going on a mission any time soon (although, who knows. That can change at any moment) and it didn’t really sound like a super fun activity. However, I knew there was going to be a cute boy there, and my room mate wanted to go.

Thank Goodness for her. She has dragged me along to so many activities that I did not want to go to, and surprise, surprise, I always learned something that I needed to know at that point in my life. Without fail.

Anyways. The focus throughout the night was on member missionary work. We’ve all heard the phrase, ‘Every Member A Missionary’. Now, I don’t know about you, but that sometimes scares the crap out of me. I always get so…apprehensive when it comes to doing missionary work, simply because I have absolutely no idea where to start. It’s not like I don’t have any nonmember friends, growing up in California, having member friends was an oddity. But whenever I think of missionary work, I always get the picture in my head of the suit and tag. And that freaks me out.

During the course of the night, one of the guys who was teaching, handed each of us a pencil. With the pencil came this statement “Not one person in the entire world knows how to make a pencil.” Yet here it was in my hand. I was holding a pencil. How was this true?

Well, I knew the answer right away. In fact, I immediately turned to my room mate and told her that not one person knew how to make a pencil, because it takes multiple people to make a pencil. I don’t know the specifics, but I figure that it takes one person to cut the wood, one to make the graphite, one to make the eraser, one to put it all together, etc.

I was correct. The teacher then went on to show us an essay written, entitled I, Pencil. If you have a chance, go read the whole thing. It has some interesting points.

Simple? Yet, not a single person on the face of this earth knows how to make me. This sounds fantastic, doesn't it? Especially when it is realized that there are about one and one-half billion of my kind produced in the U.S.A. each year.

Pick me up and look me over. What do you see? Not much meets the eye—there's some wood, lacquer, the printed labeling, graphite lead, a bit of metal, and an eraser.

The essay then goes on to talk about how millions of people have played a part in the creation of the pencil, even though many have no idea that they had any contribution at all.

So, you are most likely sitting there reading this thinking to yourself, ‘That’s nice Nicole. But I thought this was about missionary work. What does a pencil have to do with missionary work?’

Well let me tell you.

Often, I think that many of us are guilty of not doing any missionary work because we are afraid, we get overwhelmed. After all, we are only one person. What can one person possibly do?

That was exactly my fears about missionary work. But one of the major things that I learned from this lesson is that there is not one single person who is responsible for missionary work. Again, let me explain.

No matter how amazing of a person you are, no matter how righteous or spiritual you are, you alone will not convert anyone. Often, the person who is being converted to this wonderful gospel has been becoming prepared for a long time. Through small and seemingly insignificant events in their lives, they have been prepped to receive the gospel.

With this in mind, I have begun to look at doing member missionary work differently. I always used to get so scared because I thought that when I did missionary work, it was all me, that if I messed up in any way, that I would have ruined their chances for eternal happiness. However, I can now see things in a different light, that I alone am not going to convince this person to join the Church. Sure, I play a part, and although that part may be small, it is really important.

Next time  you are feeling down on yourself for not doing ‘missionary work’, just remember, not one person knows how to make a pencil. It takes all of us. 

Taking A Little Liberty...

So, the other day in Relief Society, we were talking about how amazing it is that we have living Prophets and Apostle’s that give us guidance that is specifically meant for us, for this exact time on earth. And that is simply astounding. I love it.

 The lovely sister teaching the lesson had us do an activity where she handed each woman a small piece of paper, where we wrote on them things that we were currently struggling with and needed answers to. She then collected them, mixed them all up, and handed each woman a new paper. She had us all pull out our phones and had each of us look up an answer to the dilemma that the other sister had written down, based on council given by our leaders. Except for the fact that we ran out of time, she was then going to collect them back and read a few of them.

The one that I got to find an answer to was ‘caring for myself as much as others”

Now, I KNOW there have been talks about this. I know that somewhere, someone has even mentioned it. But, for some reason, I could not find a single thing. Maybe I wasn’t looking in the right spot, using the right phrases, I don’t know. Anyway. I decided, since I didn’t want anyone’s problem to get left unanswered, that I would take some creative liberty and answer her the best that I knew how.

I only had a few seconds, so I jotted down the first thing that popped into my head, and I really think and hope that this was inspired. This is what I wrote to that sister:

Often, when we love others, we are looking at them through spiritual eyes. We can see them how our Heavenly father sees them, as amazing, wonderful, beautiful children of Heavenly Father. We ought to take the time, to then look inward with these same eyes, because if we did, we would see that we too are so important and beautiful and we have all the potential in the world.

I hope she gets to read that. And I really hope it helps. 

Blank Pieces of Paper

I'm going to be a teacher. Surprise!

 Just kidding, you all already knew that. Anyways, this past weekend, I had the opportunity to go to an Early Childhood Conference and take some of the classes there. It was a really awesome experience, I learned a lot, and I even got to learn how to paint! But there was one thing that I learned at this conference that really got me thinking.

            In one of my classes, the presenter handed each of us a blank piece of paper. That's it. No pencils, no crayons, just that one piece of paper. Then he started talking. And he talked about sometimes, there will be children who walk into our classrooms who are wearing the same clothes as they did the day before, kids who haven't brushed their teeth or combed their hair. And lots of people will look at these children and groan, and tell you not to try to hard with that kid, because they are not going to amount to much, if anything. The presenter went on to talk about how we need to see all of our children as blank pieces of paper. He then told us this story, that really defined what a teacher does. It's a little strange, but bear with me, it all makes sense in the end. He told us that he had the blank paper, and as he was holding, it talked to him and said “Teacher, I want to be a singer. My dream is to sing!” And he looked at this paper and thought well that is silly, you are a paper, there is no way you can sing! You don't even have a mouth! And then he began to think, because he really wanted to help, but it really wasn't possible. And then he came up with a solution. And he picked up that piece of paper and said “If you will trust me, I will mold you into something so great and wonderful, something so much better than you ever dreamed possible. But, you have to trust me.” And the paper said that he trusted the teacher, and so the teacher began to fold and bend the paper, and he made him into a baton. And when he was done, he said, “There! You do not have a mouth, so you can not sing, but I have made you into the most beautiful baton and you will lead the most amazing choir. Would you like that?” And the paper began to cry, because he was so happy, and even though his dream hadn't come true as he had expected it to, he was still able to create beautiful music.

            That really stood out to me, because that is exactly what we as teachers need to be doing. We need to be able to see every single student that we ever come in contact with as that blank piece of paper and really think of all the potential that everyone has. You never really know what exactly someone is capable of achieving, maybe that kid in your class who wears the same clothes everyday is going to grow up to be the next president. Wouldn't you treat that child differently if you knew that? We can't see the future, and so we need to do everything that we can in order to provide a good foundation for them to build upon.

             Now, some of you may be thinking “This is a good story and all, but Nicole, I am not going to be a teacher, this doesn't apply to me...” Oh don't think that! Because this can be shaped into a very valuable lesson for every single person. Just you wait.

             There have been many General Authority’s that have given talks about how with every person that we see, we ought to picture them in white, and to picture them as divine beings, as some of the most precious sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. That's exactly where the story of blank pieces of paper comes into play. Can you all just take a minute, close your eyes and picture what it would be like to see people as blank paper, with all the potential in the world? How would you treat people when you realize that there is no limit to the things that they can achieve, to the greatness that they could become?

I actually had an experience similar to this a few weeks ago in the Logan Temple. My room mates and I had planned to go to the Temple together and so one morning, we all woke up early and went to go do baptisms. Now, if you know me, you know that I am not a morning person, and I was so tired that I didn't bother putting my contacts in, I decided to just wear my glasses. However, I didn't want to deal with them while in the Temple, so I left them in my locker in my purse. I am not blind, but I definitively need my glasses or contacts. I can see colors and general shapes, but other than that, I have no idea. Anyways, I was walking around the Temple semi-blind, and I realized that I could suddenly see people the way our Savior sees us. I could tell that there were people all around me, the Temple was actually super crowded that morning, and I could see that everyone around me was dressed completely in white, but that was all my earthly eyes could see. I realized as I was looking around, that I couldn't tell who was 'pretty', who had more talents than I did, who had more money that I did. In those moment, we were all equal, all special children of a Heavenly Father who loves all of us more than anything I could ever dream of. And suddenly, my spiritual eyes were opened, and I felt this intense love for every single person who was there with me that day. I didn't know who had blue eye, who had acne scars, all I knew was that every single one of us had the potential to achieve a greatness so much better than we could ever dream of.

         Since this, I have been trying to continue to look at people through my spiritual eyes, to see them as our Heavenly Father does. I am not saying I am perfect at this, cause it is still really hard to do sometimes. But, I have noticed that when I take the time to see people as blank pieces of potential, not only am I able to understand them, I am slower to anger and annoyance, and I am able to love them. Love a complete stranger! When I am able to see people as the Savior sees them, they become wonderful and special to me. And like the teacher with the paper, I want to do all that I can in order to help them achieve their greatest potential, even if I can only play a tiny role in that.  

Am I Simply A Cottage?

The timing of Heavenly Father always seems to surprise me. You think that after all the numerous lessons that he has given me, I would finally understand, and yet, here I am.

Anyways. I was going to write this blog post awhile ago. But every time that I sat down to write it, something stopped  me. Looking back, I couldn't figure out why, but now, now I can see why I wasn't supposed to write this post until now. There were a few things that I needed to understand first. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, life was... well hard. I had little motivation to go to class, to eat, to do anything really. And while I was in this funk, all I was thinking about was myself. For weeks, I had my own private pity party where awful thoughts about myself were allowed to run rampant though out my head. Some of these awful things were things like 

I'm not good enough. 

I'll never be able to get any of my work done.

No one wants to hang out with you, you are not fun. 

No one wants to date you, you are not good enough. 

Why bother? 

No one will miss you if you don't go. 

Why try anymore?

Wow. Looking back at that really scares me. Satan had a really strong grasp on me and I never told anyone. I don't like sharing my feelings with people because I fear that they will take them as weaknesses and will then use them against me. 

I was going to end this blog post by simply stating that I finally shook Satan's hold off of me, that I finally came to the realization that it didn't matter if no one wanted to be my friend, because the whole time, I had the very BEST friend in the entire world, and I was ignoring Him. But He never once ignored me. On the hardest days, the days where I thought I was all alone, He was right there beside me, walking with me. On the days where I doubted my strength to even make it through the day, He was always there holding me up. He was ALWAYS there. And it didn't matter if I thought that no one cared about me, or thought I was good enough, because He thinks that I am pretty awesome. I am a child of God, a God who loves me no matter what stupid mistake I make that day. A God who loves me even when it seems like no one cares. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that. 

Like I said, that was going to be my whole post. And I think that it would have been okay. I learned what I needed to learn. At least I thought I had. Heavenly Father had other plans. So, I went to institute wondering why I wasn't able to write this post. And that night in institute, Heavenly Father taught me something so beautiful and wonderful, there was no way that this post could have happened without including this lesson. 

In institute, one student brought up a story by C.S. Lewis about the cottage. If you haven't read that story, you MUST. It's like the story about the gardener that I wrote about awhile back. It really gives you a different perspective on the trials that we go through. 

In the story, C.S. Lewis asks us to imagine that we are a living house. When we invite Christ into our lives, He comes into our houses to fix us, and to make changes. In the beginning you think that he is replacing the drains, painting the walls, or stopping the leaks in the roof. And then we realize that He is doing so much more. Instead of making simple repairs and leaving us mostly how we were, He is instead ripping out the walls, tearing down our foundations and knocking you down in a way that you never expected. And we sit there and cry "Why? Why are you doing this? This hurts and I don't know how much longer I can take this. I am only a simply cottage, why are you doing hurting me?" C.S. Lewis goes on to say that when He is done, we turn around and realize that He has completely rebuilt us, that where we thought we were a simple cottage, too lowly to take much notice of, He has instead built us into a most glorious and beautiful palace. 

Heavenly Father can see the potential in us, even when we have no idea. He sees the palace where we see the cottage. He knows the potential that we have, even when we think we have none. I remember writing in that class that allowing this to happen can hurt, and it often does. But don't you think that it's worth it? Don't you think that after you go through all that pain, when He is finished and  you have become that glorious palace that He always knew you were, would you not look back on all that pain and realize that you could not have become this way without it? Will you not fall upon your knees and crying, thank the Lord for hurting you? So, I will welcome this pain and loneliness into my life. I will accept every heart break and sadness and I will be thankful for every time MY plans and dreams are smashed to bit. I will be thankful for every road block that I slam full speed into, and know that it is all part of the plan. When I am crying out in agony to my Heavenly Father, I must remember that He has a plan for me, one that is SO much better than anything that I could possibly ever dream of for myself. He is ripping my walls down, and slowly building me up into the most beautiful palace. 

 After this, I noticed my life greatly improve. Things got so good, so fast. To be completely honest, I thought I was almost done. I thought that I was so close to being that beautiful building. And then, things fell apart again. And it really hurt. It came out of no where and I was completely blindsided. However, this time, I have been able to stay strong, and remember that this will all be worth it in the end. I may not understand why I have to suffer now, but I KNOW that this is all for me. I know that it pains Heavenly Father to see me crying and so upset, but I also know that He loves me so much and He wouldn't give me anything that He knew I couldn't handle .

I can't see it now, but it will all be worth it. 

Falling In Love

Every year before school starts, I like to make some school year resolutions. Just silly, simple things that I want to accomplish sometime during the school year. Past resolutions have included

Sleeping in a tent

Save Money

Go somewhere I have never been before

For this year, my very resolution was to fall in love. And now, now that I have had copious amounts of alone time, I was able to take a look back on this past semester and have discovered that, much to my surprise, I really truly have fallen deeply, madly in love. 

Now, please don't get your hopes up and think that I have fallen in love with a person and that I am using this blog to make such a big announcement. Woah. When you put it that way, it sounds weird. Anyways. No, sadly, I still find myself single and without any immediate chances for love. And yet, here I am, saying that I am in love. How can that be?

Here. Take my hand. I will walk you through this. 

I have fallen  in love with my job. That's right. You heard me. MY JOB. 

This past semester I have had the immense pleasure to work at a local elementary school, in the after school program. As stupid and cheesy as this might sound, I think that this has changed my life. I know know, with 100% certainty that I want to always work with kids. They make me so happy and bring such joy to my life. I have changed  my major so many times while in college. I couldn't settle on anything because I believed that while I had certain interests or skills in different areas, I was simply okay at those things, I wasn't so amazing at one thing that I had to make it my career. I have finally settled on elementary education because, well, I was running out of options and looking at being in school for forever. I wasn't sure. But I am now. I want..no, I need to be a teacher. 

My job was seriously the best. One of my coworkers described it as getting paid to play with kids for 3.5 hours every day. Looking back, I can see that he was right. Going to work became my refuge. When school up here on the hill got too stressful, when I was worried, or upset, when I couldn't handle anymore of the drama that the people around me were creating, I walked into that school, and all my problems went away, even if only for awhile. Because, for those 3.5 hours, I was free to play. I could be a kid again and I could pretend. I could run around and play tag and jump the river. I could be stupid and talk in silly accents. Kids have a way of making you look at things in a totally different perspective, and to really examine your life. They have a way of showing you what the really important things in life are. I think that sometimes as adults (and I am going to use that word to very loosely describe myself) we get so caught up in the stupid tiny things that really have no importance. At all. And yet, for some reason, we let those small insignificant things control our lives. That'e the stupidest thing ever. 

Now, I can't continue to write this post and have you think that I loved every single minute of my job. That would be the biggest lie I have ever told. There were days I absolutely hated. There were times I was tired and I didn't want to be there. There were times I wished I could sit in the corner and cry I was so stressed. And yet, those were the times that my kids were my lifesavers. The way their smiles lit up their faces when they saw me walking down the halls, the way that they ran over to hug me, the way that they simply sat beside me or asked my to play ball with them. Those were the times that made a difference. When I was having a bad day and one of my kindergartners would come up and say "Teacher, you look beautiful today", or when they drew pictures of me and told everyone that I was their best friend made the biggest difference. 

It was impossible not to fall in love. However, as I am sitting here writing this, my heart is breaking. Because of scheduling conflicts, I will not be able to return to my job next semester. I know, this sounds so stupid, like I have a billion other things to worry about, but I am going to miss my kids. I just have to look towards the future, and keep my eyes on my goal. I know that when things get hard, and I know that they will, when I am sitting on my bed questioning why I ever decided I wanted to be a teacher, I know that I will look back on the memories that I have with these kids and then I'll remember. 

I can't wait for the future!

Cracks in my Armor

I'm starting out this post with a disclaimer. This is going to be really hard for me to get down. I have a hard time showing my true feelings whenever I am upset or angry. I have a hard time letting people in because I don't want them to hurt me. I would rather people think that everything is great, and fine and dandy, rather than know that I am hurting inside. But, in the spirit of honesty, which I promised myself I would do, here you go. This is me, showing all of you my soul. Take is as you will.


We've all heard the saying "When life knocks you down, get right back up and show life what you are made of."

Or something to that effect.

Personally, I feel like I have done really good at getting back up  until this point in my life. Seriously. I have been through things that no one should ever go to, and I have always stood right back up with my fists ready to go. I like to think that I am a strong person, that I can handle a ton of bullcrap from people.

At least, I thought I was.

I won't go into any details, cause that would take all night, and I would eventually like to fall asleep at some point tonight. Anyways, this semester has proved to be one of the hardest, most trying semesters of my college career. I don't know why or what I am doing that would result in this crappy semester, all I know is that this is how it has been for me. It seemed like life knocked me down, and it knocked me down hard. I feel like no matter how hard I try to stand back up, life pushes me back down the moment I get back up on my feet. Sometimes I feel like staying on the ground because no matter what I do, I can't seem to make things right. Why bother trying when the very moment I stand back on my feet, I get slammed back down to the ground?

Now, don't get me wrong. This semester hasn't been all bad. In fact, this semester has also had some of the greatest times of my life. I have the BEST job in the whole world & I have made some of the greatest friends. And I am so so so very thankful for these things.

In institute the other day, we read a talk by Hugh B. Brown that was exactly what I needed. His talk, entitled the Currant Bush, is fantastic. If you haven't heard it, I strongly encourage you to go look it up. In it, he talks about how we sometimes do not get the things that we want, and that we get so sad and angry and cry to the Lord, asking why, why would you hurt us like this? And, at that point, the Lord answers us saying " I am the gardener. I know exactly what I am doing, and who I want you to be. Just let go, and let me help you." Hugh B. Brown then goes on to say that while that moment in time really sucks, and really hurts, we will later look back on our lives and realize that we are so much better because we didn't get what we wanted and then at that point we will fall on our knees and thank our Heavenly Father for hurting us, because He knew what we did not.

So my dear friends, this is where I am in my life right now. I am currently (figuratively of course) laying on the ground wondering if it is even worth it to try and stand up again. The good part is that, even though I can't tell you when, I will stand up again. And I know that one day, I will look back on all of this and fall to my knees thanking Heavenly Father for hurting me, because whatever he has in store for me is going to be so much better than anything that I can possibly imagine.

Whatever You Want

So, this may be a whiny post. I'm sorry. It's just something that has been on m y mind for awhile now and I feel like writing it down will help me to figure it out. If you just want to skip over this one, that's cool. I totally get it.

So, looking back on my life, I have been the type of person who avoids fights with other people. I understand that occasionally I may have done gotten into fights, but hey. I am no where near being perfect. I am simply stating that overall, I have been non confrontational. In fact, I have often heard people describe me as someone who avoids confrontation.

Awhile ago, in Sunday School, we were discussing spiritual blessings that people can be given. One that was brought up was the blessing to avoid contention, and I thought hey! That's what I have! Before I go forward, I want you to know that I am so thankful for this blessing in my life. I can see many times when it has saved me a lot of grief and heartache.

However, sometimes I think that being this way has also caused me some heartache and sorrow. Sometimes, I feel like this has been the greatest struggle in  my life. There have been many occasions, especially since I have moved up here to college, that people that I have liked or trusted, have told me things that I didn't want to hear. Not bad things, but things that hurt me because they were the complete opposite of what I wanted to have happen. And instead of standing up for my self and telling people how I really truly feel, I tried to avoid contention, avoid losing a friend or a crush, I would simply let them leave. My famous sayings include

"I don't care"

"it's up to you"

"Whatever you want is fine"

"You decide and I will understand"

Such lies. Because, you see. I do care. I care a lot. I just wish I wasn't such a big baby and tell people how I feel. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but then I end up getting my feelings hurt. A lot. I think that this is something that I am really going to work on improving in my life this year. I want to be brave and tell you how I really feel. I want to tell someone that I like them, that I think they are making a big mistake and that I think that if they give me a chance, I can totally prove to them that we could be something freaking awesome. 

I don't know. I will work on it. I will keep you posted! Fingers crossed!