I'm starting out this post with a disclaimer. This is going to be really hard for me to get down. I have a hard time showing my true feelings whenever I am upset or angry. I have a hard time letting people in because I don't want them to hurt me. I would rather people think that everything is great, and fine and dandy, rather than know that I am hurting inside. But, in the spirit of honesty, which I promised myself I would do, here you go. This is me, showing all of you my soul. Take is as you will.
We've all heard the saying "When life knocks you down, get right back up and show life what you are made of."
Or something to that effect.
Personally, I feel like I have done really good at getting back up until this point in my life. Seriously. I have been through things that no one should ever go to, and I have always stood right back up with my fists ready to go. I like to think that I am a strong person, that I can handle a ton of bullcrap from people.
At least, I thought I was.
I won't go into any details, cause that would take all night, and I would eventually like to fall asleep at some point tonight. Anyways, this semester has proved to be one of the hardest, most trying semesters of my college career. I don't know why or what I am doing that would result in this crappy semester, all I know is that this is how it has been for me. It seemed like life knocked me down, and it knocked me down hard. I feel like no matter how hard I try to stand back up, life pushes me back down the moment I get back up on my feet. Sometimes I feel like staying on the ground because no matter what I do, I can't seem to make things right. Why bother trying when the very moment I stand back on my feet, I get slammed back down to the ground?
Now, don't get me wrong. This semester hasn't been all bad. In fact, this semester has also had some of the greatest times of my life. I have the BEST job in the whole world & I have made some of the greatest friends. And I am so so so very thankful for these things.
In institute the other day, we read a talk by Hugh B. Brown that was exactly what I needed. His talk, entitled the Currant Bush, is fantastic. If you haven't heard it, I strongly encourage you to go look it up. In it, he talks about how we sometimes do not get the things that we want, and that we get so sad and angry and cry to the Lord, asking why, why would you hurt us like this? And, at that point, the Lord answers us saying " I am the gardener. I know exactly what I am doing, and who I want you to be. Just let go, and let me help you." Hugh B. Brown then goes on to say that while that moment in time really sucks, and really hurts, we will later look back on our lives and realize that we are so much better because we didn't get what we wanted and then at that point we will fall on our knees and thank our Heavenly Father for hurting us, because He knew what we did not.
So my dear friends, this is where I am in my life right now. I am currently (figuratively of course) laying on the ground wondering if it is even worth it to try and stand up again. The good part is that, even though I can't tell you when, I will stand up again. And I know that one day, I will look back on all of this and fall to my knees thanking Heavenly Father for hurting me, because whatever he has in store for me is going to be so much better than anything that I can possibly imagine.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Whatever You Want
So, this may be a whiny post. I'm sorry. It's just something that has been on m y mind for awhile now and I feel like writing it down will help me to figure it out. If you just want to skip over this one, that's cool. I totally get it.
So, looking back on my life, I have been the type of person who avoids fights with other people. I understand that occasionally I may have done gotten into fights, but hey. I am no where near being perfect. I am simply stating that overall, I have been non confrontational. In fact, I have often heard people describe me as someone who avoids confrontation.
Awhile ago, in Sunday School, we were discussing spiritual blessings that people can be given. One that was brought up was the blessing to avoid contention, and I thought hey! That's what I have! Before I go forward, I want you to know that I am so thankful for this blessing in my life. I can see many times when it has saved me a lot of grief and heartache.
However, sometimes I think that being this way has also caused me some heartache and sorrow. Sometimes, I feel like this has been the greatest struggle in my life. There have been many occasions, especially since I have moved up here to college, that people that I have liked or trusted, have told me things that I didn't want to hear. Not bad things, but things that hurt me because they were the complete opposite of what I wanted to have happen. And instead of standing up for my self and telling people how I really truly feel, I tried to avoid contention, avoid losing a friend or a crush, I would simply let them leave. My famous sayings include
So, looking back on my life, I have been the type of person who avoids fights with other people. I understand that occasionally I may have done gotten into fights, but hey. I am no where near being perfect. I am simply stating that overall, I have been non confrontational. In fact, I have often heard people describe me as someone who avoids confrontation.
Awhile ago, in Sunday School, we were discussing spiritual blessings that people can be given. One that was brought up was the blessing to avoid contention, and I thought hey! That's what I have! Before I go forward, I want you to know that I am so thankful for this blessing in my life. I can see many times when it has saved me a lot of grief and heartache.
However, sometimes I think that being this way has also caused me some heartache and sorrow. Sometimes, I feel like this has been the greatest struggle in my life. There have been many occasions, especially since I have moved up here to college, that people that I have liked or trusted, have told me things that I didn't want to hear. Not bad things, but things that hurt me because they were the complete opposite of what I wanted to have happen. And instead of standing up for my self and telling people how I really truly feel, I tried to avoid contention, avoid losing a friend or a crush, I would simply let them leave. My famous sayings include
"I don't care"
"it's up to you"
"Whatever you want is fine"
"You decide and I will understand"
Such lies. Because, you see. I do care. I care a lot. I just wish I wasn't such a big baby and tell people how I feel. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but then I end up getting my feelings hurt. A lot. I think that this is something that I am really going to work on improving in my life this year. I want to be brave and tell you how I really feel. I want to tell someone that I like them, that I think they are making a big mistake and that I think that if they give me a chance, I can totally prove to them that we could be something freaking awesome.
I don't know. I will work on it. I will keep you posted! Fingers crossed!
Friday, July 12, 2013
Tick Tock Goes The Clock
Time is a funny thing.
Sometimes it seems like it drags on, every second lasting a lifetime. And others, it goes by so fast you can't account for hours. There are times when you wish you could stop time, and freeze yourself in a moment or a feeling. But the clock keeps ticking on. Never stopping. Never failing. One of the few constant things in this hectic and stressful world.
I always find the notion of time so interesting. This summer has seemed to flown by. But everyday, in those hours, I felt like it was dragging, like it would never end, that this fall was a lifetime away. But then, I blinked, and suddenly, here we are, in the middle of July. I always used to say that with school, during the first week or two, it seems like time is dragging on and you feel like the year will never end. Then out of the blue you are taking finals and you are saying goodbye to precious friends and memories. Funny how that happens.
It seems like just yesterday that I have over 100 days in Visalia this summer. And now, I have just a few weeks, and I honestly have no idea where the time has gone. Wasn't it only a few days ago I flew home and realized that I had no plans, no clue what I was going to do in order to stay busy this summer, no idea what to do? Yet here I am, with weeks that I can count on one hand left.
I still have no clue what I am doing, what I am going to do, or even what my options are. But oddly enough, it doesn't bother me as much. For those of you who know me, this is a huge breakthrough. I'm a planner. I have to know what the plan is, and all the teeny tiny details. I make plans years in advance. But if I have learned anything this summer (and trust me. I have learned quite a few lessons) it's that, even if I don't have a plan, time will still move forward. The sun will continue to set at night, and then rise again in the morning, bringing a new day, a new chance with it.
Victor Hugo wrote "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." His words ring a valuable truth. No matter how awful life seems, no matter how slowly time seems to pass, it will pass. And a new and better day is ahead. Turn your face towards the future with a smile upon your lips and allow yourself to see the beauty in the small things. You may find that time passes quicker than you think. Don't waste a single precious moment. Times not stopping for anyone!
Sometimes it seems like it drags on, every second lasting a lifetime. And others, it goes by so fast you can't account for hours. There are times when you wish you could stop time, and freeze yourself in a moment or a feeling. But the clock keeps ticking on. Never stopping. Never failing. One of the few constant things in this hectic and stressful world.
I always find the notion of time so interesting. This summer has seemed to flown by. But everyday, in those hours, I felt like it was dragging, like it would never end, that this fall was a lifetime away. But then, I blinked, and suddenly, here we are, in the middle of July. I always used to say that with school, during the first week or two, it seems like time is dragging on and you feel like the year will never end. Then out of the blue you are taking finals and you are saying goodbye to precious friends and memories. Funny how that happens.
It seems like just yesterday that I have over 100 days in Visalia this summer. And now, I have just a few weeks, and I honestly have no idea where the time has gone. Wasn't it only a few days ago I flew home and realized that I had no plans, no clue what I was going to do in order to stay busy this summer, no idea what to do? Yet here I am, with weeks that I can count on one hand left.
I still have no clue what I am doing, what I am going to do, or even what my options are. But oddly enough, it doesn't bother me as much. For those of you who know me, this is a huge breakthrough. I'm a planner. I have to know what the plan is, and all the teeny tiny details. I make plans years in advance. But if I have learned anything this summer (and trust me. I have learned quite a few lessons) it's that, even if I don't have a plan, time will still move forward. The sun will continue to set at night, and then rise again in the morning, bringing a new day, a new chance with it.
Victor Hugo wrote "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." His words ring a valuable truth. No matter how awful life seems, no matter how slowly time seems to pass, it will pass. And a new and better day is ahead. Turn your face towards the future with a smile upon your lips and allow yourself to see the beauty in the small things. You may find that time passes quicker than you think. Don't waste a single precious moment. Times not stopping for anyone!
Monday, July 8, 2013
You Know You Are A Swimmer When...
I am a swimmer. 100%.
I began swimming just before my 11th birthday. And, I haven't stopped since that time. I swam on a city team until I entered high school. There I was blessed to swim on the varsity team all four years and I also picked up a new passion, water polo, which I also played all four years of high school. Throughout my high school career, I was in the pool at least 5 days a week, for 9-10 months of the year. Basically, I was in the water...a lot. The pool is my home.
It may sound strange to some people, but the pool is my safe place. I feel in control of everything when I am in the water. Sometimes, the world gets too crazy and I feel like my world is spinning out of control, but when I slip into that water, it all goes away. I can relax and focus. It's where I feel most at home and where I can get some deep thinking done.
So, all this being said, it's really no surprise that even now, when I am stressed and frustrated, the first place I run to is the pool. There is something about water that calms me. When the world gets too loud and I can't seem to figure anything out, all I need to do is go under the water, and suddenly everything becomes still and quiet.
The pool is my safe haven. There is just something magical about it. Maybe you should give it a try.
Think about it.
I began swimming just before my 11th birthday. And, I haven't stopped since that time. I swam on a city team until I entered high school. There I was blessed to swim on the varsity team all four years and I also picked up a new passion, water polo, which I also played all four years of high school. Throughout my high school career, I was in the pool at least 5 days a week, for 9-10 months of the year. Basically, I was in the water...a lot. The pool is my home.
It may sound strange to some people, but the pool is my safe place. I feel in control of everything when I am in the water. Sometimes, the world gets too crazy and I feel like my world is spinning out of control, but when I slip into that water, it all goes away. I can relax and focus. It's where I feel most at home and where I can get some deep thinking done.
So, all this being said, it's really no surprise that even now, when I am stressed and frustrated, the first place I run to is the pool. There is something about water that calms me. When the world gets too loud and I can't seem to figure anything out, all I need to do is go under the water, and suddenly everything becomes still and quiet.
The pool is my safe haven. There is just something magical about it. Maybe you should give it a try.
Think about it.
Friday, June 21, 2013
The Great Summer Adventure
Well, I am covered head to toe with bruises, I am suffering from a massive amount of lack of sleep, and if I never get in a car again it will be too soon. The only thing that all of these things together can mean is that the Great Summer Adventure with Kayla and Nicole is over. What a blast it's been! For those of you who were not fortunate enough to come along or share in this great adventure, here's the lowdown.
The Great Summer Adventure began Sunday morning, with...drum roll please....Nicole getting lost! For those of you who know me, this shouldn't come as a shock to you. It's a gift really. I can get so incredibly lost it's not even funny. Anyways, I finally found my way to the airport where I picked up my wonderful room mate and very best friend in the whole wide world! We then attempted to continue south on our adventure, only to realize that Nicole had forgotten the tickets to Six Flags. So, we turned around and headed back to good old Visalia for the night. It wasn't that bad. We had a nap...got our nails did (okay, Kayla did mine) and even got to skype good old Joe.
We woke up way too early on Monday (and by early I mean like 7:45). After a quick stop at Scotties Doughnuts (which no trip to Visalia is complete without) and getting gas, we were finally off! We made it to Six Flags in record time, partly because Nicole likes to speed. It's genetic. Ask my Grandma.
Six Flags was simply amazing. We got to ride on every single ride we wanted to. It was so freaking hot. Luckily, I don't think we ever stood in line very long. We were really good at getting in line just before the huge crowd. In fact we even walked right onto a ride or two. Fun Fact, when Kayla and I are together, we become some of the funniest people you will ever meet. Some of my favorite lines from the park were
"I don't like this ride. Are we gonna go backwards together?"
"Open your eyes Nicole!" "No! I am praying. Heavenly Father, if you let me survive this ride, I promise I will never come back here!"
"I don't like the rides where you are standing up. It's uncomfortable. If I wanted to shove something between my legs, I would get married!"
"I feel bad, cause I am swinging my legs when they come to check and I can never stop,so I kick them in the shin!"
There were others I am sure, but like I mentioned before, lack of sleep is keeping me from fully remembering.
After Six Flags, we hit up Taco Bell, where Kayla practically ordered the entire menu. Lunch at the park consisted of fries and diet coke...so...we were pretty starved. Then, we got back in the car and drove to our new friends, The DeHemmers, who let us spend the night there. We did get lost a few times, but this time it was Kayla's fault. (hahaha) And I do admit I was a little scared and even locked the car doors while driving, but hey. In my defense, a dirt road in the middle of nowhere in pitch black is pretty scary. I have watched too many movies and t.v. shows. I have a very active imagination. Anyways, we finally got there, and I just have to say, these are the nicest people on this planet. I was so tired that I pretty much crashed right after getting there, but I was the first to get up. Kayla and I had planned on getting up early and getting out of their way, but we ended up staying until 12:30 talking with Sister DeHemmer and watching movies. Seriously the nicest family. I am so so grateful to them. (Shout out to Joe also, for hooking us up with them!)
After leaving, we battled the awful LA traffic and ended up (after getting lost AGAIN) at the beautiful L.A. Temple. I am so glad we were able to go. We walked around the grounds for awhile and then toured the visitors center. It was a wonderful break and a spiritual experience. (At least for me, I cannot speak for Kayla) At one point I found myself sitting alone in front of the Christus statue, and I just felt the overwhelming feeling of peace and the love that my Savior has for me. I am one lucky girl!
Finally, we checked into our hotel, which wasn't a total dive thank goodness. You never know with some of them. After resting for awhile we walked down to in-n-out for dinner. (Another thing no trip to California is complete without!) Then, it was time to get ready for the concert. We got all dolled up...aka tee shirts and jeans haha and walked down Hollywood Blvd. to the Hollywood Bowl.
The concert was supposed to be Ke$ha and Pitbull. Neither of us care for Pitbull..okay that's a lie. We hate him. So we decided that since he was supposed to go on first, we would show up late and miss him completely. That's what we thought anyways. We show up a little over an hour late and some strange band was playing, and then Pitbull came out. We were surprised, but figured he would only be on for an hour. TWO HOURS later... Pitbull was the last act. WE COMPLETELY MISSED KE$HA! She was the only one we wanted to see! Needless to say, we were pretty pissed off.
After crashing in our hotel we checked out and headed over to Denny's for brunch, where I proceeded to order a ridiculous amount of food. It was terrible. Then, we battled the traffic again, and went to the beach. Because of the awful traffic, we only got to spend half an hour at the beach, but it was so worth it. It was a beautiful day and there were surprisingly very little people actually at the beach.
Sadly, it was time for the Great Summer Adventure with Kayla and Nicole to come to an end. I am so glad Kayla got to come out and see me, I missed her so much. Plus, it was fun to go out on my own and have a little vacation. But, like every good thing, it had to come to an end, and now I can't wait for the next adventure!
The Great Summer Adventure began Sunday morning, with...drum roll please....Nicole getting lost! For those of you who know me, this shouldn't come as a shock to you. It's a gift really. I can get so incredibly lost it's not even funny. Anyways, I finally found my way to the airport where I picked up my wonderful room mate and very best friend in the whole wide world! We then attempted to continue south on our adventure, only to realize that Nicole had forgotten the tickets to Six Flags. So, we turned around and headed back to good old Visalia for the night. It wasn't that bad. We had a nap...got our nails did (okay, Kayla did mine) and even got to skype good old Joe.
We woke up way too early on Monday (and by early I mean like 7:45). After a quick stop at Scotties Doughnuts (which no trip to Visalia is complete without) and getting gas, we were finally off! We made it to Six Flags in record time, partly because Nicole likes to speed. It's genetic. Ask my Grandma.
Six Flags was simply amazing. We got to ride on every single ride we wanted to. It was so freaking hot. Luckily, I don't think we ever stood in line very long. We were really good at getting in line just before the huge crowd. In fact we even walked right onto a ride or two. Fun Fact, when Kayla and I are together, we become some of the funniest people you will ever meet. Some of my favorite lines from the park were
"I don't like this ride. Are we gonna go backwards together?"
"Open your eyes Nicole!" "No! I am praying. Heavenly Father, if you let me survive this ride, I promise I will never come back here!"
"I don't like the rides where you are standing up. It's uncomfortable. If I wanted to shove something between my legs, I would get married!"
"I feel bad, cause I am swinging my legs when they come to check and I can never stop,so I kick them in the shin!"
There were others I am sure, but like I mentioned before, lack of sleep is keeping me from fully remembering.
After Six Flags, we hit up Taco Bell, where Kayla practically ordered the entire menu. Lunch at the park consisted of fries and diet coke...so...we were pretty starved. Then, we got back in the car and drove to our new friends, The DeHemmers, who let us spend the night there. We did get lost a few times, but this time it was Kayla's fault. (hahaha) And I do admit I was a little scared and even locked the car doors while driving, but hey. In my defense, a dirt road in the middle of nowhere in pitch black is pretty scary. I have watched too many movies and t.v. shows. I have a very active imagination. Anyways, we finally got there, and I just have to say, these are the nicest people on this planet. I was so tired that I pretty much crashed right after getting there, but I was the first to get up. Kayla and I had planned on getting up early and getting out of their way, but we ended up staying until 12:30 talking with Sister DeHemmer and watching movies. Seriously the nicest family. I am so so grateful to them. (Shout out to Joe also, for hooking us up with them!)
After leaving, we battled the awful LA traffic and ended up (after getting lost AGAIN) at the beautiful L.A. Temple. I am so glad we were able to go. We walked around the grounds for awhile and then toured the visitors center. It was a wonderful break and a spiritual experience. (At least for me, I cannot speak for Kayla) At one point I found myself sitting alone in front of the Christus statue, and I just felt the overwhelming feeling of peace and the love that my Savior has for me. I am one lucky girl!
Finally, we checked into our hotel, which wasn't a total dive thank goodness. You never know with some of them. After resting for awhile we walked down to in-n-out for dinner. (Another thing no trip to California is complete without!) Then, it was time to get ready for the concert. We got all dolled up...aka tee shirts and jeans haha and walked down Hollywood Blvd. to the Hollywood Bowl.
The concert was supposed to be Ke$ha and Pitbull. Neither of us care for Pitbull..okay that's a lie. We hate him. So we decided that since he was supposed to go on first, we would show up late and miss him completely. That's what we thought anyways. We show up a little over an hour late and some strange band was playing, and then Pitbull came out. We were surprised, but figured he would only be on for an hour. TWO HOURS later... Pitbull was the last act. WE COMPLETELY MISSED KE$HA! She was the only one we wanted to see! Needless to say, we were pretty pissed off.
After crashing in our hotel we checked out and headed over to Denny's for brunch, where I proceeded to order a ridiculous amount of food. It was terrible. Then, we battled the traffic again, and went to the beach. Because of the awful traffic, we only got to spend half an hour at the beach, but it was so worth it. It was a beautiful day and there were surprisingly very little people actually at the beach.
Sadly, it was time for the Great Summer Adventure with Kayla and Nicole to come to an end. I am so glad Kayla got to come out and see me, I missed her so much. Plus, it was fun to go out on my own and have a little vacation. But, like every good thing, it had to come to an end, and now I can't wait for the next adventure!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Sleepy Quirks
As if having Insomnia wasn't bad enough, I have come to realize that I have some pretty strange quirks about going to sleep. And I thought I would share them with you...well...just cause. I honestly don't have anything better to do. Maybe you will read this and realize that you are not as crazy as you think.
Lets get started.
1. There can not be any light in the room when I am going to sleep. I mean it. NONE.
2. It could be 100+ degrees and I still have to have a blanket. The more the better. Ask my room mates. I have tons of blankets on my bed.
3. I am not one of those who can sleep with the blanket half on, or with one leg sticking out. Nope. I cocoon myself into the blankets.
4. I like to have a lot of pillows on my bed. But, I only sleep with one.
5. I have to have at least three pillows. I make a backwards 7 with two of them, and then I have to have one to hold. If there are more than I pile them up and sleep next to them.
6.Speaking of pillows, mine have to be really cold.
7. I don't like noise when I am trying to sleep. Not even white noise. It wakes up my brain and I have to figure the noise out.
8. I don't like sleeping on the edge of the bed. The middle is perfect.
9.I tend to move around a lot when I sleep. I have woken up sideways in my bed a few times.
10. If my feet are cold, I will not fall asleep. This one really sucks cause my feet are always cold. In the winter, footie pjs are my best friend.
I should probably go to sleep now. ....
....
....
Wish me luck!
Lets get started.
1. There can not be any light in the room when I am going to sleep. I mean it. NONE.
2. It could be 100+ degrees and I still have to have a blanket. The more the better. Ask my room mates. I have tons of blankets on my bed.
3. I am not one of those who can sleep with the blanket half on, or with one leg sticking out. Nope. I cocoon myself into the blankets.
4. I like to have a lot of pillows on my bed. But, I only sleep with one.
5. I have to have at least three pillows. I make a backwards 7 with two of them, and then I have to have one to hold. If there are more than I pile them up and sleep next to them.
6.Speaking of pillows, mine have to be really cold.
7. I don't like noise when I am trying to sleep. Not even white noise. It wakes up my brain and I have to figure the noise out.
8. I don't like sleeping on the edge of the bed. The middle is perfect.
9.I tend to move around a lot when I sleep. I have woken up sideways in my bed a few times.
10. If my feet are cold, I will not fall asleep. This one really sucks cause my feet are always cold. In the winter, footie pjs are my best friend.
I should probably go to sleep now. ....
....
....
Wish me luck!
Friday, May 17, 2013
Giggling
I have learned a lot about myself these past few years. I have learned I have some pretty odd habits and quirks, one of which I think I will write about today.
When I get into a really stressful and scary situation, I giggle. No joke. I just don't know how to handle the pressure, so I giggle to ease the tension I guess. It's kinda embarrassing since everyone else is really stressed or worried, but I can't help it! It just comes out!
Here are a few examples.
1. Once, when driving up Logan canyon in an awful snowstorm (which, all of you who have driven the canyon know is super sketch) every one else in the car sat there tensed and silent, while there I am in the back, giggling. I literally had to cover my mouth so they wouldn't hear me.
2. One time, I was climbing a tree and I fell out of it. I stayed on the ground for a good five minutes laughing. A very nice guy came over to see if I was okay, and I think it freaked him out that I was laughing and not crying.
3. The other day, a friend and I were driving in SF. San Francisco is known for the insane hills that you have to drive up. And we did drive up one. It was a practically vertical hill, and we drove up it in a tiny little hybrid car that almost didn't make it! And we giggled the entire time! We could have gotten in an accident, but there we were, laughing.
Don't get me wrong. I do get stressed and worried, but I can not, for some reason, produce a normal reaction. Oh well. Maybe giggling isn't so bad...
When I get into a really stressful and scary situation, I giggle. No joke. I just don't know how to handle the pressure, so I giggle to ease the tension I guess. It's kinda embarrassing since everyone else is really stressed or worried, but I can't help it! It just comes out!
Here are a few examples.
1. Once, when driving up Logan canyon in an awful snowstorm (which, all of you who have driven the canyon know is super sketch) every one else in the car sat there tensed and silent, while there I am in the back, giggling. I literally had to cover my mouth so they wouldn't hear me.
2. One time, I was climbing a tree and I fell out of it. I stayed on the ground for a good five minutes laughing. A very nice guy came over to see if I was okay, and I think it freaked him out that I was laughing and not crying.
3. The other day, a friend and I were driving in SF. San Francisco is known for the insane hills that you have to drive up. And we did drive up one. It was a practically vertical hill, and we drove up it in a tiny little hybrid car that almost didn't make it! And we giggled the entire time! We could have gotten in an accident, but there we were, laughing.
Don't get me wrong. I do get stressed and worried, but I can not, for some reason, produce a normal reaction. Oh well. Maybe giggling isn't so bad...
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