Anyways. I was going to write this blog post awhile ago. But every time that I sat down to write it, something stopped me. Looking back, I couldn't figure out why, but now, now I can see why I wasn't supposed to write this post until now. There were a few things that I needed to understand first. Let me explain.
A few weeks ago, life was... well hard. I had little motivation to go to class, to eat, to do anything really. And while I was in this funk, all I was thinking about was myself. For weeks, I had my own private pity party where awful thoughts about myself were allowed to run rampant though out my head. Some of these awful things were things like
I'm not good enough.
I'll never be able to get any of my work done.
No one wants to hang out with you, you are not fun.
No one wants to date you, you are not good enough.
Why bother?
No one will miss you if you don't go.
Why try anymore?
Wow. Looking back at that really scares me. Satan had a really strong grasp on me and I never told anyone. I don't like sharing my feelings with people because I fear that they will take them as weaknesses and will then use them against me.
I was going to end this blog post by simply stating that I finally shook Satan's hold off of me, that I finally came to the realization that it didn't matter if no one wanted to be my friend, because the whole time, I had the very BEST friend in the entire world, and I was ignoring Him. But He never once ignored me. On the hardest days, the days where I thought I was all alone, He was right there beside me, walking with me. On the days where I doubted my strength to even make it through the day, He was always there holding me up. He was ALWAYS there. And it didn't matter if I thought that no one cared about me, or thought I was good enough, because He thinks that I am pretty awesome. I am a child of God, a God who loves me no matter what stupid mistake I make that day. A God who loves me even when it seems like no one cares. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that.
Like I said, that was going to be my whole post. And I think that it would have been okay. I learned what I needed to learn. At least I thought I had. Heavenly Father had other plans. So, I went to institute wondering why I wasn't able to write this post. And that night in institute, Heavenly Father taught me something so beautiful and wonderful, there was no way that this post could have happened without including this lesson.
In institute, one student brought up a story by C.S. Lewis about the cottage. If you haven't read that story, you MUST. It's like the story about the gardener that I wrote about awhile back. It really gives you a different perspective on the trials that we go through.
In the story, C.S. Lewis asks us to imagine that we are a living house. When we invite Christ into our lives, He comes into our houses to fix us, and to make changes. In the beginning you think that he is replacing the drains, painting the walls, or stopping the leaks in the roof. And then we realize that He is doing so much more. Instead of making simple repairs and leaving us mostly how we were, He is instead ripping out the walls, tearing down our foundations and knocking you down in a way that you never expected. And we sit there and cry "Why? Why are you doing this? This hurts and I don't know how much longer I can take this. I am only a simply cottage, why are you doing hurting me?" C.S. Lewis goes on to say that when He is done, we turn around and realize that He has completely rebuilt us, that where we thought we were a simple cottage, too lowly to take much notice of, He has instead built us into a most glorious and beautiful palace.
Heavenly Father can see the potential in us, even when we have no idea. He sees the palace where we see the cottage. He knows the potential that we have, even when we think we have none. I remember writing in that class that allowing this to happen can hurt, and it often does. But don't you think that it's worth it? Don't you think that after you go through all that pain, when He is finished and you have become that glorious palace that He always knew you were, would you not look back on all that pain and realize that you could not have become this way without it? Will you not fall upon your knees and crying, thank the Lord for hurting you? So, I will welcome this pain and loneliness into my life. I will accept every heart break and sadness and I will be thankful for every time MY plans and dreams are smashed to bit. I will be thankful for every road block that I slam full speed into, and know that it is all part of the plan. When I am crying out in agony to my Heavenly Father, I must remember that He has a plan for me, one that is SO much better than anything that I could possibly ever dream of for myself. He is ripping my walls down, and slowly building me up into the most beautiful palace.
After this, I noticed my life greatly improve. Things got so good, so fast. To be completely honest, I thought I was almost done. I thought that I was so close to being that beautiful building. And then, things fell apart again. And it really hurt. It came out of no where and I was completely blindsided. However, this time, I have been able to stay strong, and remember that this will all be worth it in the end. I may not understand why I have to suffer now, but I KNOW that this is all for me. I know that it pains Heavenly Father to see me crying and so upset, but I also know that He loves me so much and He wouldn't give me anything that He knew I couldn't handle .
I can't see it now, but it will all be worth it.
